Learn About Family Time that Matters

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Eunice Jeremiah:
Welcome everyone to the Family Conference 2020 presented by Rhombus University. The topic covered in this presentation is, Family Time that Matters and our speaker is Jed Jurchenko. Jed Jurchenko is a husband to an amazing wife, a father to four incredible girls and a foster father to two more. He is also a psychology professor, therapist, author of over 20 books. Jed helps busy couples, families, and busy enterprenuers grow their relationships by focusing their attention on the things that matter most. Jed graduated from Southern California Seminary with a masters of divinity and returned to complete a second degree in psychology. In their free time, Jed and Jenny enjoy walking on the beach, reading and spending time together as a family. You can find more about Jed at www.coffeeshopconversations.com. Jed Jurchenko is passionate about supporting weary Christ followers in leading their families, growing their friendships and caffeinating their faith so that they can live joyfully-filled Christ honoring lives. And now, I am happy to welcome our speaker, Jed Jurchenko. Welcome.

Jed Jurchenko:
Eunice, thank you. And guys, thank you so much for being here today. I think this is going to be a whole lot of fun, fantastic introduction. So we’re diving into that topic of Family Time that Matters. And I would love it if you would open up the chat box, because I love this to be interactive. I spent my first 10 years working as a children’s pastor and one thing that I love about kids, is I never had to wonder if I was connecting with them and on track because everything is just straight out and they let you know. So, if I was up front teaching and the front row was turned around and their chairs rocking back and forth, I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ve completely lost them. This is not on target.” But if they were leaning forward, engaged, focused, I think, “Yes, I’ve got them. They’re listening. They’re learning. This is awesome.”

Jed Jurchenko:
Adults are so much harder. We’re better at faking it. And then over Zoom, a lot of times I can’t even see faces, so I’m like, “Okay, are people really listening or are they watching TV over the screen?” So, really, my goal is to add as much value as possible, engage as much as possible. If you would open the chat right now, it’s Saturday, it’s the weekend. You could be doing a gazillion different things. I’d love to know, what brought you here? What made you come to a seminar over Zoom? Some of us just out of curiosity, how many of you are on Zoom meetings all throughout the week?

Jed Jurchenko:
And I’m hearing this new term Zoom fatigue. So, you’ve given up a Saturday to be here on Zoom yet again. How come? I would love to know. And just type in the chat. Is there something that you were hoping to get out of? What drew you here today, when you could be with your family, you could be outside? If you’re in San Diego like a couple of you are, you could be at the beach. What made you come to a Family Time that Matters. “Oh, I want to be a better mom.” Absolutely love it. That’s awesome.

Jed Jurchenko:
And I’m right there with you. Got four girls and two foster daughters, so I am seriously outnumbered at home and all the time, I think, “Yeah, I want to be a better dad.” And I think family time is such a great way to do it. I’m curious. How many of you have some sort of family time going on right now or you had family time growing up? I’m looking at some other answers in the chat. “I’d love to have more quality family time.” Absolutely love that. “Have a personal life and family and always gain new perspective from others.” Absolutely love that. All right guys, well, let’s dive in.

Jed Jurchenko:
So, we’re going to look at how to create purposeful family engagement and even do that in teeny tiny pockets of time. And when I think that to family time, one, I love the big stuff. I’ll tell you, our family just came in from a backyard camping trip. Campgrounds were closed in Minnesota, so last night we said, “Okay, even though our planned camping trip got canceled, we’re just going to move it out to our backyard.” So, right now we’ve got two tents set up. Last night, we bonfired. This morning, I was up at five o’clock like I usually am, started the bonfire again. About 5:30, two of my daughters come out with their books. We just sit at the bonfire. That was a good family connection time. Now, for me, I love that and I wish I could tell you that, that’s how it always is.

Jed Jurchenko:
Our normal family time is, we are movement. We are caught up in the hustle and bustle of life moving from one activity to the next, to the next. And we have a couple of times a year where we get really intentional. But that’s not what I’m going to hone in on today. Today, it’s really about those tiny pockets of time where everybody’s coming together. Even in the middle of that, we’ve got to get the kids at school, mom and dad have to get to work, I’ve got projects I’ve got to finish. How many of you does that resonate with you?

Jed Jurchenko:
Awesome. A couple of hands. Perfect. So, let’s dive in. Now, when I did family time as a kid, there was one thing that drove me absolutely nuts about family time. And that was, it just took a long time. And so, then I became a dad and all of a sudden, I feel like I started to realize partly what my dad was going through. One of the things that I’ve learned is, man, it is tough getting six girls together in the same room. How many of you just getting your kids in the same room, that can be tough?

Jed Jurchenko:
I see some nods. Absolutely. And so, one of the things that I learned is, especially working with foster kids, sometimes just getting our kids to calm down, slow down, is tough. Ooh, I love this one. “Even harder to get adult kids in the same room.” Absolutely. And then we get them in the same room and it’s tough to focus. All right. I’m curious about this. We’re going to dive into some family time tools and techniques in just a minute, but I want to learn from you before I share what the best piece of parenting advice I received was. So, for you, if you would type in the chat, what’s the piece of parenting advice that was super meaningful for you or maybe if a new parent asked you, “What’s the most important piece of parenting advice you’ve received? What would that be? Go ahead and type that in the chat. “Enjoy every minute. It goes too fast. Raise the child in the way he should go and when he’s old, he will not depart from it.”

Jed Jurchenko:
Awesome. Right? From Proverbs. I love that. “Join them in their activities and interests.” Such good wisdom. This is piece of parenting advice that really hits home for me. And what I love about this is, first time I heard this, I rolled my eyes. Second time I heard this, I rolled my eyes. Third time I heard this, I rolled my eyes again because every single time we had a kiddo, at least one person would tell me this. They’d say, “Jed, enjoy this time now because it goes by fast.” I remember when McKinsey, my oldest was born, I thought, “What do you mean it goes by fast? When is she going to walk? Is she ever going to start walking? I want to do something with her.” And now I look back and I’m like, “How on earth did I get to have a 13-year-old?”

Jed Jurchenko:
I think before this started to turn gray, I had no idea what all these parents were talking about. And now all of a sudden I’m like, “Oh, I get it. I’ve got a 13-year-old. In five more years, I’m going to have a full on adult.” And so, for me, this was one of those things where all of a sudden I’ve had this aha moment of, family time matters. And I love those big trips. I love the camping trips, the trips to Great Wolf Lodge that we do, the annual trip that we do to the Cabin. But I’m also realizing, those aren’t enough. I want to be one of those parents who connects day in and day out. I see in the comments, “To love fully and make memories. Family is thicker than blood.” And I love that comment. Very well said. That whole idea of, to love fully and make memories, do that day in and day out, not just in a few special moments.

Jed Jurchenko:
So, today, I’m excited that I get to share just a few things that our family is learning about family time, a few things that are working for us. Sometimes family time’s messy, sometimes it’s chaotic, but we’re also seeing that it’s having a good impact on our kids. And so, here’s something I know about family time. I surveyed recently, well, over a hundred couples. I asked them, “What’s the biggest challenge in your marriage?” And the thing that came up time and time again was, busyness and lack of time. And my guess is, if I were to ask parents, “Hey, what’s the number one challenge in connecting with your kids?” Probably, I’d get a lot of the same answers. Busyness, lack of time. “We want to connect, but we’re caught up in the hustle and bustle of life.” Does that resonate with you?

Jed Jurchenko:
So, here is the verse that I’m basing this on, which is the Ephesians 5:15 and 16. This is, “Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.” I see a yes and amen in the comments. Love it. Thank you. That is really what I’m striving to do with my kiddos is, how can I make the most of every single moment, even when we’ve got to get six kids at school, my wife’s got to get to work. I’ve got to get to work, we’ve got all of these projects going on, in the middle of a pandemic right now? How do we connect? How to regrow closer to our family and how do we make the most of the time?

Jed Jurchenko:
Well, for me and for our family, it started by making a mindset shift. And I saw this the other day. You may have seen this before, but I love it. This whole idea of, what if 2020 isn’t canceled? What if we’ve been waiting for it? What if it’s the most important year of them all? And for our family, we’ve actually seen this year become an opportunity to build some new family traditions, build some new habits and connect in some ways that we hadn’t connected in before, that a week ago, Jenny and I sat down and we said, when this pandemic ends, because it’s going to end at some point and life goes back to normal, we said, “We’ve got to keep some of these things going. We can’t go back to the same routine that we were in.” Because we found some good in this, more time connecting as a family, more time listening, more family activities.

Jed Jurchenko:
And we suddenly realized those things that we thought were so important, getting our kiddos in sports, every single session, plus ice skating, plus church, plus early morning choir, we looked at it, we’re like, “That’s insane. What did we do that for? This is really cool.” So, just to work through some of that mindset shift, would you answer one of those two questions in the chat? Maybe pick one. How has 2020 already been good for your family? Have you seen something where you’re like, “Oh, there’s actually something that’s benefiting us in our family.” What else would you like to see for your family in 2020? I love this. “We’ve had so much more time together. We’ve really slowed down.” I would second that and say, we’re right there with you. We’re realizing, we don’t miss some of the events like we thought we would miss them and even our kids don’t miss some of the events like we thought we would miss them. “Learn to communicate with each other better.” Last, “Distraction by what’s on the schedule.” I love that. “More being, less doing.” Very well said.

Jed Jurchenko:
So, here’s some things that are helping Jenny and I just in our mindset shift. I love this first one. Kids see and experience things differently. And so, I think in doing family time, one important thing to remember is, what it’s like to see through the eyes of a child. It’s funny going back to my parents’ house now. They’re in Lemon Grove. I’m just outside of San Diego and I remember being a kid and doing races with my next door neighbor, Susie, in our living room. And we would crawl to one wall, tag it and come back. Then we would do the somersault races. And it was this race back and forth to see who could win. I go back to that house, to that living room, I’m like, “How on earth did we ever race in here?” I remember thinking, “This is a long way. We’re really racing.”

Jed Jurchenko:
Now I look and I’m like, “Oh my goodness. I feel like I could almost stretch out my arms and touch both walls.” Right? Kids see things differently. They experience things differently. For Jenny and I, when we moved our camping trip from Itasca, because it was closed, to our backyard. There was some disappointment. Last night, Addison, our five-year-old looks at us and says, “This is the best day ever.” We’re like, “Oh, she’s not the least bit disappointed.” And so, sometimes I think in family time, we blow it up as adults and think, “Well, man, we’ve got to do this big, great thing to engage our kids.” But if we would see through the eyes of our kids, sometimes it’s those little things that they look back at and they’re like, “We love that.”

Jed Jurchenko:
Two, kids take their cues from us. Great example of this is graduation. There was a lot of talk about this being a tough time for graduating seniors and for some it was, because there wasn’t that walking across stage. But, man, when that graduating parade came through, my kiddos looked at it and they said, “Daddy, will we get a parade too?” Now I’m going to say, “I don’t know. This may be the only class that gets the parade.” But I started seeing more and more stuff saying, “Man, we should do this every year.” My kids have never attended a high school graduation before. This is a first year. They attended a high school graduation because we had to go see that parade and they were clapping and cheering and excited. And I think whatever happens, this is going to go down as the class that got the parade or it’s going to be the very first class that started the graduating parade tradition. But either way, there’s something cool about it.

Jed Jurchenko:
And so, for kids, they’re going to take their cue from us. And if we’re excited, they’re going to get excited too. Another thing that I’m learning about relationships is that, the little things are often the big things and the same is true for kids. If you look back to childhood, a lot of times it’s those ice cream runs at dance parties, jogging and running with dad. I’m curious. Did you have a favorite family time activity when you were a kid, something that was meaningful for you? And if you did and you’re willing to share, just type it in the chat. I’d love to see. My wife, Jenny, will tell you it’s just about bedtime and mom and dad gathering everybody together and saying, “We’re going on an ice cream run.” And running down to the Tip Top Dairy Bar right before it closed.

Jed Jurchenko:
Somebody wrote, “Family reunions every summer.” I love that. “Camping each summer.” I love that. So, when it comes to redeeming the time, we’re going to move quickly because I want to get to some of the activities. But I love this idea of exponential growth, which is little things that add up over time and produce big results. I’ve got a domino there, it comes from a physicist’s experiment who found out that, every domino in a chain of dominoes can knock down a block one and a half times bigger than itself. So, according to his paper, Domino Chain Reaction, a one and a half inch domino can knock down a two inch domino, which can knock down a three inch domino, which can knock down a four and a half inch domino. So, I read that and I was like, “Okay, no big deal. A cute experiment.” Right?

Jed Jurchenko:
Brooklyn, who’s interested in physics, my 11-year-olds, she’d love that. But then I kept reading and they said, “Okay, now you get to domino number 30 and that’s going to knock down the tallest skyscraper.” I thought, “Oh, that’s an exponential growth. It adds up quick.” And so that’s what I’m looking to do with family time, is I’m seeing, what small habits, what tiny actions can I add to our family that at the end of the year, we’re going to look back and see some pretty massive results? So, I love this line, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion, but tiny moments of positive connection are the foundation of disciplined structure and joy.” And we’re really finding that in our home, that when we have that relationship with our kids and we build on it each day, man, we really connect. We have to do discipline less often.

Jed Jurchenko:
When we do have to discipline our kids, when we have to talk about a problem, it’s more meaningful, more powerful because that relationship’s there. So, here’s three things we implemented this year and it follows this pattern right here. How many of you come to a seminar like this and it’s great information, you love it and then you walk away and you don’t do anything? I’m going to be honest. I’ve been there, done that. So, I said, “How could I make this actionable?” And so I love this idea of tiny habits, little things we can add into our family, that are going to compound over time and get powerful, pretty easy, pretty simple. To do this tiny habit, you’ve got to have three things. You’ve got to have a trigger or an activator. So, a trigger might be, “The first time I see my kids in the morning, this is what I’m going to do.”

Jed Jurchenko:
And that first sight is a trigger. Trigger might be a time of day. “I’ve got to mom at bedtime.” You might say, “Hey, I’m going to add a tiny habit in the bedtime.” Get a breakfast table up there but this is when we do ours. This is when we do a tiny habit routine. It’s been pretty powerful for our family. Step number two is the behavior. “Okay? This is what we’re going to do at that time.” And then step number three is the celebration and saying, “Yes, I did it.” And just rewarding ourselves thinking, “I did what I’m supposed to do. I’m training my child in the way they should go. I’m redeeming the time.” All right. So here’s our tiny habit one that we’ve been playing with this year and having a lot of fun with. We’ve been at the breakfast table asking what’s going good or what are you thankful for? And getting three things from each kid every single day.

Jed Jurchenko:
And this comes from something that Jenny and I want to teach our kids, which is that mindset of gratitude, appreciation, and thanksgiving. And it’s something we all know we should do. Especially if you’ve gone to school for psychology, therapy, counseling, you’re like, “Oh yeah, we’re supposed to be thankful. We’re supposed to practice gratitude. I know this.” How many of you know this? But it’s kind of like, “I knew it up here, but I don’t know it here.” Especially if you’re a therapist, I think we’re the worst at this because we know this, we teach this and I’m like, “Oh yeah. I know this, of course.” And we don’t do it. So, we made breakfast time our trigger for gratitude. And we’ll go around the table and share three things we’re thankful for.

Jed Jurchenko:
Just for fun, let’s practice right now. Three things going good or three things you’re thankful for. “My family’s all healthy.” I love it. Such a great one to be thankful for right now. “Kids playing well together.” Fantastic. “Kids call me.” Perfect. “Safety, health, family.” School counselor, awesome. “Summer vacation.” I wanted to pause here for a moment, but sometimes this isn’t as easy as we think it is. Sometimes I think, of course, there’s a lot to be thankful for, but then when I actually have to do it, it really does take some thoughts. “Having a good home.” Go ahead and keep them going. This is good stuff. But this is one way that we’ll start our day almost every single day. We’ll miss it occasionally, but we have that trigger breakfast table, everybody sits down and then somebody starts us off of three things we’re thankful for.

Jed Jurchenko:
All right. Here’s simple family connection. Number two is, this was my wife’s idea. I wish I could take credit for it, but Jenny is the mastermind behind this. She said, “We’re going to have a family theme song and that’s how we’re going to get everybody up in the morning, get them up for breakfast.” She chose Smellin’ Coffee by Chris Rice because we love coffee, positive praise and worship music and just a lot of fun. I’m curious. If you were to choose a family theme song, something that fits your family, what might that be?

Jed Jurchenko:
And just go ahead and put that in the chat right now. As you’re thinking about that, I’ll tell you a little bit about how our family does it, how it fits into that morning routine, kind of sets the tone for the day. Jenny’s mom, grandma, got an Alexa for a lot of our kids, puts it in their room. So, she programs it that, at morning time, kind of at wake up time before school, this song plays in every single room and that’s what everybody gets up to. Kiddos will come upstairs, get down breakfast, put out the bowls and then we’ll go through our routine of, what are three things that are going good? Wuh, I love this. So, theme song, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” I love that. I remember that from my vacation Bible school days. Cool thing about a family theme song is they can change? What else might you do? “Victory in Jesus.” I love that.

Jed Jurchenko:
All right guys. And then here is number three. We’re looking at, how else can we get our kiddos during this time of so much change and uncertainty, just to keep that positive focus, that focus on all the things we can still do? Is we decided, we’re just going to create a family cheer. We thought, “Let’s end breakfast with simple family cheer.” Everybody puts their hands together and we decided to make this our COVID cheer. We actually don’t touch hands anymore. We just get close, practicing that semi-social distancing in the family and we’ll do the countdown 3, 2, 1 and we borrow my daughter Brooklyn’s line who, when she was three years old, almost every single day when she was in a good mood, she’d look up and, “Daddy, this is the best day ever.”

Jed Jurchenko:
I thought that’s fun. And so we do a, “3, 2, 1. Best day ever.” And then we break, just as a reminder that, even when there is so much negativity in the world, there’s so many challenges, we can still choose to do the things that we can do to make it the best day that we can. So guys, that’s our family routine. We’ll wake up to our family theme song. We’ll come to the table. We’ll have everybody share three things that are going good. We’ll close with our best day ever cheer. And I’ll tell you, even on the busy days, even with six girls, now all of a sudden I feel like, “Oh, I’m at least having connection with each of them even when the rest of the day is in a rush.”

Jed Jurchenko:
So, here’s my next question for you. If you were to do a family cheer, what would yours be? Is there something unique to your family? You can use ours. I love, “Best day ever.” I think that’s a lot of fun, but that’s also something that came from our kids, which made it a little bit more powerful. And so I’m thinking, for a lot of families, there’s going to be something that you guys are already saying, a phrase you’re already using. “Victory in Jesus.” I don’t know if that’s a song or a cheer. It could be both. You could play the Victory in Jesus song and that can be your family cheer too. So, I tell my kids the best song is, “Mother knows best” On the movie Frozen. I love it, but I’m totally kidding. I need lots of wisdom and guidance from God. It makes them and me laugh. Absolutely love that.

Jed Jurchenko:
All right guys, happy day. All right. I have gone three minutes over and I really do want to save this last part for our discussion and to dive in, what’s working well for you? What challenges do you have? I’d love to learn from you, a good example of just how those little things really can be the big things, you were sharing that story. I was going back to, in my mind, to my San Diego days when my oldest were, I think four and two, and I’d come home from a long day of work, it’s late, I’m exhausted, just feeling drained. I’d open the door and they would just squeal, “Daddy’s home.” And all of a sudden, my energy kicked up four notches. The next thing I know I’m outside in the backyard, pushing them on the swing. I’m like, “What happened? I was ready just to go on the couch and die and now I’m out here with my kids and this is fun.”

Jed Jurchenko:
And so just showing up with that energy and enthusiasm and smile really sets the tone for what happens next. Guys, what else? Even little tips and tricks. Something as simple as, “Yay, you’re here.” Can be huge. How about family time traditions you have right now? I love the nine-minute Bible study, the three, three and three, which I may very well steal as soon as my four-year-old gets just a little bit older. What other ideas are you are already using?

Jed Jurchenko:
Last night while we were camping, my wife did her just typical bedtime routine of praying and just doing the good nights and tucking in our four-year-old and five-year-old who share a room and don’t do that same thing with our nine-year-old. But they look over at the nine-year-old and says, “And this is what we do every night.” Big, old smile on their face, so proud of it. And I thought, “man, as you’re sharing just something simple as singing a song, in our kids’ minds and through their eyes, that’s huge. That’s quality time. I can picture your kids thinking, “Hey, this is what we do every night.” And that’s another mindset shift that Jenny and I have been making too, is using this as an opportunity to talk to our kids about what’s happening at an age appropriate level. We are in Alexandria, Minnesota, which is about two hours outside of St. Paul and Minneapolis, where there were huge, huge riots.

Jed Jurchenko:
And so, for us, this became a teachable moment on racism and what that is and what our response is going to be in prayer and really letting them know at age appropriate levels, “This is what’s happening. This is how we feel about it.” And then answering their questions and having that honest discussion with them because we want to be a part of the change and we are living history right now. We’re right in the middle of it. I’ll never forget my ninth grade teacher wheeling in a TV when the events in Waco were happening. And I don’t remember what class it was. It might’ve even been a math class, so totally nothing to do with the subject and the teacher said, “History is happening right now. This is more important than anything I’m going to teach you because, years from now, this is going to be in the history books and I want you to remember that you were alive and where you were when it happened.”

Jed Jurchenko:
This year, my daughter Mackenzie said, “Dad, I’ve got to write a report on 10 big events from the ’90s.” I said, “Oh, tell me about that. What did you pick?” And she started going down her list, and then she’s like, “Oh, right now I’m still doing this thing that happened in, how do you say it? Is it Waco? But somewhere in Texas.” I was like, “Oh, I know exactly where I was when that was happening and I remember a teacher telling me this is going to be in the history books.” And here’s my kiddo, now that I’ve got gray in here, writing about it. So, a lot of what’s going on 10 years from now, 20 years from now, my grandkids will look back and be like, “Oh, what is this event? What is this thing that happened in the cities?” Hopefully, when reform and changes took place, but we’re in the middle of that history right now. So, for us, this is a great time to use that family time to talk about it with our kids.

Jed Jurchenko:
We are right on time, but anybody using family time to talk to their kiddos about current events? And how do you do that? All right, guys, can I close this in prayer? Father, thank you so much for the day and just for this conference, for the privilege of being parents, of having kids, of raising kids, of having grandkids, of being an influence in their lives. Father, we all came here today because we want to be good parents. We want to connect with our kids. We want to raise them in the way that they should go and we want to make the most of the time to redeem the time and really have moments that matter. Father, thank you for the sharing and just this time together. Father, would you help me, help all of us to create more connection with our kids, instill values in them that help them grow, that help them go in the way that they should go and that draw them closer with you. We love you, in Jesus name. Amen.

Eunice Jeremiah:
I would like to thank Mr. Jed, really for the wonderful presentation. Thank you so much.

Speaker 3:
Thank you.

Eunice Jeremiah:
Yes, you will now leave from this presentation to go to your email and actually click on the next presentation that you want to attend and I pray that each one of you will enjoy it. Thank you so much and good for having you.

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“Family Time that Matters” by Jed Jurchenko