Learn About Healthy Sex in Marriage

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Tanisha:
Welcome everyone to the Family Conference 2020 presented by Rhombus University. The topic covered in this presentation is five keys to incredible sex in marriage and our speaker is Dr. Marcial Felan. Rev. Dr. Marcial Felan has been married since 1975 to Carol, has three adult children and 14 grandchildren and one great granddaughter. In addition to his license as a marriage and family therapist, Dr. Felan is an ordained minister and has graduate degrees in theology. He has been a full time therapist since 2000 and in ministry since 1980. I’m happy to welcome Dr. Marcial Felan, who is presenting on the five keys to incredible sex in marriage. Welcome, Dr. Felan.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Thank you, Tanisha, and let me welcome all of you to this time together. Thank you for joining me and the Family Conference. I see many names that I recognize here and appreciate all of you, and even the names that I don’t know. I’d like to start out our time with a word of prayer. Will you please bow your heads with me as we pray?

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Heavenly Father, we come before you to lift up our time. Father, I thank you for each person, each family that’s represented on this call, on this session. And God, I pray that what we talk about will be a blessing and an encouragement to each one, and it will be a help and strengthen their marriage. And so, God, we acknowledge your presence in our midst. We thank you for the opportunity to come together for Dr. Hayden. Bless this time and all the other workshops that are going on now and throughout the rest of the day. And so, we thank you and pray for your guidance and ask in Jesus name. Amen.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
I would have asked everybody to say amen with me but I couldn’t hear you. Anyway, but you say that in your spirit. Welcome. We’re going to be spending time today talking about five keys to incredible sex in marriage. And as you heard Tanisha mention in the introduction, which I thank you for, Tanisha, I’ve been married for 45 years in a row to the same lady, and I have three adult children and 14 grandchildren, one great grandchildren. Given my 45 years of marriage, I think this is a subject that I can speak with authority on, having been married, also having struggles just as a married couple in this area.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But I want to share with you these keys that come from the word of God as well as from a wonderful speaker, who if you are not familiar with him, I would encourage you to find out about him. His name is Mark Gungor. Mark Gungor is a pastor and speaker, and he came up with a wonderful marriage seminar called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. Mark is incredible, you look him up on YouTube and you can look and listen to his full session on this. I’m going to be pulling highlights from that. And his full session, not only from this seminar, has five keys, but it has wonderful material on men’s brains, women’s brains, and differences, and it’s just a wonderful, enlightening, very humorous approach to marriage and understanding ourselves as couples and individuals as well as sex in marriage.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
I would refer you to YouTube, Mark Gungor, and he has this full session on this of which I’m just drawing one part of, and those are the five incredible secrets and keys to marriage. Let’s jump in. I’m going to share my screen with you now, and I have PowerPoints. Hopefully I can do that correctly. Let’s see, here we go. Okay. I hope everybody can see my screen. The first thing that I want to talk about in relationship to the incredible keys or secrets to marriage is the differences between men and women.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Excuse me, here we go. Men are simple creatures. This is the picture of the male brain. Let’s see if I have it on. Yeah. We’re in the right order. The male brain, and you’ll notice that one of the largest areas in the male’s brain is that area of sex. Some people say that men have… I’ve heard a statistic that men have a sexual thought every seven seconds. Now, how they have come across that, I’m not exactly going to detail all that, but I think that they are on track to some degree.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Now, let’s compare that to the female brain. The female brain. This is just to be humorous of course and is a generalization, but the female brain; headache, shoes. Over here, if you could see my cursor, I love this one; shiny things and diamond olfactory. And over here is the sex initiator gland and you can hardly even see it. Okay. Here, this is a generalization. Every marriage is different. It’s just meant to be humorous.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Another slide that I want to show you; the differences in men and women in sex. Men, very simple creatures. On, off. On, off. Just one button. But women are complicated. Women have multiple buttons and it’s up to us as men to try to figure out what’s the right connection and what is the way that we can best bring out the sexual response in our wives. And women, let me tell you I’ve also heard it said, I think it makes a lot of sense, if you want to make your husband happy in the area of this, of sex, only two things you need to do.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
One, bring food and show up naked, two. That’s all we need. Food and sex. Now again, that’s a generalization and I don’t mean to be demeaning to anybody, but I just thought that would be something to keep in mind as we go forward. But let’s go a little deeper into this subject and let’s look at what God’s word has to say about sex in marriage. First of all, I want to be clear that sex does not make a marriage, but it does add greater strength to the marriage, like adding steel does to concrete.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And I have some pictures here of concrete going into steel. Over here, this is probably a freeway or a road that’s going in. You’ll notice this, on top of it is steel. They call this, in construction industry, rebar. Over here, you can see the rebar going through the concrete surrounded by the steel. Well, the steel makes the concrete stronger. For instance, I like to use the illustration of driving over Mission Valley. We go over the 805 freeway over Mission Valley, and that overpass is supported and made up of basically concrete and steel.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Now, if you just had the steel, like you see in this picture here, you couldn’t drive on it, but if you just had the concrete, it wouldn’t stand up. But when you add the concrete and the steel together, you can drive and make a pathway through the sky because of the strength that it has in it. I’d like to use that analogy when we talk about sex in marriage that you can’t build your whole marriage on sex, but it is important and it adds strength to the marriage just like steel does to concrete.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Now, one of the keys to incredible sex in marriage is, let’s look at the word of God, the first secret. The word of God is clear that sex was something that was created by God, and I have it on good authority, a friend, an acquaintance, Dr. Kevin Leman, Christian psychologist, author, speaker. Drawing from 1 Corinthians 7, 5 through 6, the Bible says, Paul writes, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other excepts perhaps by marital consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The bottom line, people, is, I have it on good authority from the word of God, that God wants us as married people to do it and do it often. Now, first of all, sex was God’s idea, and I want you to know I say, “Yay God! I’m thankful for that.” He created male and female. He created Adam and Eve. He didn’t create Adam and Steve. God created sex by making us male and female. And God’s purposes in sex; well, first of all, I believe, I would propose to you, is procreation, to make babies. If you were on the first session with Dr. Ray Hayden, you heard him talk about the command; to be fruitful and multiply the earth.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Genesis 1:28, it says there that, “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number. Fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'” Okay. God created… He gave us this command to be fruitful and fill the earth. Now, people have said that this one command in Genesis 1:28 is the only command that men and women have not had a problem obeying. And again, all in God’s wisdom.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And then Psalm, chapter 27, verses 3 through 5 says that, “Children are a heritage from the Lord. Offspring are a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they encounter with their opponents in the court.” Having children, procreation was the first idea for sex that God told us along with the command in Genesis 1:28.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The second purpose of sex as God’s idea and creation was, I would propose to you, pleasure. And I would again quote the scripture where it says there in chapter 5 of the Proverbs. I’m going to read verses 15 through 19. Using the analogy of water as referring to sexual intimacy in marriage. It says, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow on the streets and your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. And may your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer. May her breasts satisfy you always, and may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
In those verses, we see that there is reference to the aspects of physical pleasure within the sexual intimacy of marriage, and if you have any doubts about going further in this, just read the Song of Solomon for what it’s worth, not necessarily as an allegory of Christ and the church, which so the people have often compared it to, but use it and read it for what it’s worth and there, you will actually read and see a married couple coming together for sexual intimacy in graphic, beautiful language inspired by God. Spend some time in the Song of Solomon to help you in this area of thinking and realizing that God did create sex for pleasure.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But not only that, but God created sex for protection from temptation. And the scripture that I read earlier, 1 Corinthians 7, 2 through 5, talked about that that, “Come back together,” Paul says, “so that least you be tempted,” and because of the weakness of flesh. The sexual intimacy in marriage protects us from temptation, and I like to use the analogy there of eating your favorite meal. For me, probably my favorite meal is a prime rib maybe with a side of lobster and a big, big potato loaded with everything on it. Here we are talking right before lunch, I hope I’m not making you too hungry. Stay with me though, don’t leave.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But let’s say you had your favorite, favorite meal and you are full to the brim. You just couldn’t even take another bite. Maybe your favorite meal was accompanied with your favorite dessert and you’re just so satisfied from that wonderful meal that when Satan comes along or if somebody comes along and says, “Hey, you want to go get something to eat?” You say, “No way. No way. I can’t even think of food.” Well, if our sexual intimacy in marriage is frequent and is full of pleasure and what God intended it to be, I believe, between one man and one woman and much more in terms of the keys we’ll get into next, if we are doing these things, keeping this area of our marriage of today, if you will, it’s going to protect us from temptation when Satan comes along.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The sexual aspects of marriage protect us from temptation, are intended for pleasure, and also for procreation, for having and making babies, for filling the earth, Genesis 1:22. But let’s switch gears now and talk about the five incredible keys to sex in marriage. The first one is romance. Oftentimes, people will complain, men especially, that a woman doesn’t have a sex drive, and I would propose to you that women do, and I know there’s mostly women, I think, on this call, and I hope you would agree with me.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But one of the things that is important for men and for all of us to understand is that romance needs to be a part of the marriage. There needs to be an awakening of the sexual drive within a woman especially. And sometimes, men get lazy and we forget about the fact that we have to and we should romance our wives and be nice to our wives. When there’s kindness, when there’s tenderness, when there’s romance in the marriage, that will awaken the desire and lead to arousal within a woman that can lead to sex.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But it’s very important, and for men especially, that women do have a sex drive but that it needs to be aroused, desire needs to be awakened within them, and this is from the Song of Solomon. Again, if you read that, you’ll see that that is quoted, that phrase, “Do not awaken love before it’s time.” It’s talking about sexual love, but it can awaken. In fact, you’ll see the woman in that, in Song of Solomon, literally call for it and speak to herself to get herself ready for sexual intimacy in her marriage.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The first key then is romance. The second key is foreplay. Women need foreplay, men need foreplay, but many times, men forget this. It might be, “I’m going to go to sleep at night,” and husband may say, “Hey, you want to have sex?” That’s not foreplay. Song of Solomon talks about that he says, “I will climb the palm tree, I will take my time.” He doesn’t just swoop in and take the fruit. He climbs the tree. Men, we have to realize that there is more to sex than just the actual act. Foreplay is important, and it begins 24 hours before the bedroom.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And there’s a wonderful book written by Kevin Leman called Sex Begins in the Kitchen. It starts all day, it takes all day long, and then also foreplay of tenderness, touch, time, talk, those elements can contribute to foreplay for a woman. I have some pictures here of pornography for women. Hold on, don’t turn off the screen. This is pornography for women. Here’s a picture of a husband vacuuming the floor, a husband who is doing the laundry, he is there with the kids, doing the ironing. This is pornography for women. This is foreplay, especially for those of you wives whose love language is acts of service, the love language of Dr. Gary Chapman. It’s important, but acts of kindness can be foreplay for a wife.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The next incredible key secret to marriage is not only romance and foreplay but it’s also time. Time. Time spent together. In the Song of Solomon, it says that, “We will be together until the dawn breaks and the shadows flee and in that time, we will climb,” it says, “to the mountain of myrrh, to the hill of incense.” He’s talking again about sexual intimacy in marriage. Men especially need to understand that it takes time for a woman. On average, the male to orgasm is about 2 minutes. For women, on average, studies have shown, 7 to 14 minutes.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Is it any wonder, men, that a lot of times, when a wife is tired or when she’s had a long day that she’s not interested in sex because it takes so much emotional but also physical intimacy? Men, we have to do better at this in terms of needing more time for our wife to romance and foreplay, but also just spending time with her and sometimes it may involve talking.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And the last key, before I get to the number one key, is that of privacy. Privacy. I’m sure that all those women who are on this call would raise their hand. In fact, if you want to click on that button and raise your hand for privacy being important for you in marriage, please do so. But believe me, and again, in the Song of Solomon, it says, “Let us go to the secret place and see if the blossoms have opened.” Go to the secret place. In sex, privacy is important for a wife, and thank you for that waved hand. I see that hand.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And that means that there needs to be a lock on the door. If you don’t have a lock on your bedroom door, then by all means, go get one and I’m sure your husband will be happy to install that if it’s going to help increase the sexual intimacy in your marriage. But privacy is important for a wife in marriage. Men, we need to make sure that we understand that the kids are taken care of, there’s not going to be interruptions because privacy is so important.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Now, to the number one key to incredible sex in marriage. Should we have a drum roll here? The number one key to incredible sex in marriage; exclusivity. Exclusivity. This means that it’s to be kept for you and your husband, for you and your wife, and you alone. Again, the Song of Solomon says, “I belong to my lover and he belongs to me.” Focus on the one woman. There should be nobody else coming into the marriage bed, and when I say that, I mean in terms of what’s going on in our minds.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Things like pornography, that’s not exclusivity. And there should be no multiple lovers. As the Proverbs, again, Solomon writes that, “Our spring should not overflow in the streets.” Proverbs 5, verse 17, “Let them be yours and yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.” And he’s talking about again, sexual love in Proverbs 5, but it’s to be kept exclusively for our bodies as we pledge in marriage, in our vows many times. Our bodies are to be kept for our wives, men. And ladies, your body for your husband.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And then that means, couples, wives, if pornography is a part of your marriage, stop, get help. That’s going to ruin the exclusivity in marriage, as well as adultery. I think it goes without saying that scripture is clear that adultery is wrong, and adultery is not going to help your marriage, contrary to what the world may believe. The number one key to incredible sex in marriage is exclusivity. And now, if there are issues with pornography, let me tell you again, have it for nobody else. No porn.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Philippians chapter 4, verse 8 says, “Finally, brother, whatever is true, lovely, or admirable, if there’s anything praiseworthy, if there’s anything that’s excellent, let your minds continually dwell on these things.” Let our minds, men, be only for our wives and our bodies only for our wives. No lusting, no pornography, and no masturbation. I’m going to be very forthcoming on this. Masturbation, again I’ll tell you, the scriptures says nothing about it, it’s silent about it.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But what I believe is that in order to get aroused to the point of orgasm, you violate the principle of Philippians 4:8, and I tell most men as I work with them in helping them in that area of purity that if you’re masturbating, you’re not thinking about monster trucks or football. You’re violating what Philippians 4 says in terms of thinking about things that are not pure, lovely, admirable, that are not excellent and praiseworthy. You’re not being real in what you’re saying and you’re crossing that line of Philippians 4:8.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Now, I would close with these statistics that Christian men in 2014 were surveyed, Christian men. And as far as pornography, it says that 77% of 18 to 30 year olds view porn monthly, 65% of all Christian men admitted to viewing porn at work in the last three months, 55% of married men view porn monthly, and 37% view porn several times a week. People, pornography is a scourge on our society, and it’s ruining our marriage, it’s ruining our younger men and even our older men, and it’s wrong.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And if you’re engaging in viewing pornography and masturbation, I say stop. Stop, get help. And if you need help, let me tell you, there are ways to get help. First, you have to admit to God, admit to yourself, and admit to another person that you have a problem. Satan dwells in the darkness, you can’t keep this in the darkness. You’ve got to bring it out. Bring it out to God. First, admit it to yourself, then admit it to another person, but first to God, and ask him to forgive you and to cleanse you.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
1 John 1:9 says that he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And then get help. There are groups, there are multiple groups that are out there. The ones that are most popular in our city right now are the For Men Only groups. For Men Only groups are through the Rock Church. They have groups in East County, they have groups in Point Loma, they have groups City Heights, San Ysidro. And these are groups. There are no other churches have them, they call them different names. I know Foothills, one of the sponsors of this conference, has a group for men for purity.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Skyline Church has groups for men who are seeking to overcome purity, but get help. And if you’re a wife who is married to a husband who has struggled with pornography or adultery, there are groups called the For Women Only groups. Again, through the Rock Church. They meet in the different campuses on different nights of the week. And so, some of the same churches that I just mentioned. Those are For Men Only groups, For Women Only groups are really backed by a ministry called Pure Desire, which is excellent in what they do and how they have materials to help you.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And then there’s another ministry called Proven Men. The Proven Men ministry, they’re the ones I got those statistics from that you just saw. Proven Men has some wonderful material that help men and women who are struggling and dealing with this area or recovery from that. And then there’s also the Celebrate Recovery ministry. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian-based twelve-step program. I am most familiar with the one that meets at the Pathways Church in Santee, but there are multiple Celebrate Recovery groups that meet throughout the county.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And also, I would encourage you to consider one-on-one therapy, and that is an area that I do specialize in myself in my work not only because I have personally come out of that addiction to lust and pornography. I used tools such as the ones that are listed here as well as tools of spiritual warfare to help men but also to help couples recover from violations of trust in the area of sexual betrayal through adultery and/or pornography but also drugs and alcohol.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And if you are not familiar with these resources and would like to have them in detail, I’ll be happy to send you those resources in email, and my email is listed there if you want to email me, and I’ll be happy to send you those resources if this is an area that you would like to get help in. Okay. I’m going to stop the screen sharing here now and I’m going to bring it back for any questions that you may have. Tanisha, do we have any questions that might like to be asked in the remaining time that we have?

Tanisha:
Well, so far, I don’t see any in the chat box, but we do have one attendee said, “Thank you for speaking on this topic.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
You’re most welcome. I hope it’s helpful to you. Like I said, I’m really kind of just skimming the surface on this, there’s much more I could say, but given the time that we have, I wanted to at least present these points.

Tanisha:
Yes. I would like to say thank you also for this topic. I think it’s an important topic for our community and one that isn’t addressed in detail like this often, or rarely should I say, but if any of you would like to ask a question or make a comment, you can do so and you don’t have to state your name and you don’t have to turn on your video. It’s totally up to you.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Those questions can be anonymous to Tanisha, and I’ll do my best to answer them.

Tanisha:
Someone asked, “How would you suggest bringing these up with your husband?”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Good question.

Tanisha:
And I would like to just state, the person who asked this question, if you like to say more or ask him a follow-up, feel free to unmute your mic or you can put it in the chat box. It’s totally up to you. I’m sorry, Dr. Felan, go ahead.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Thank you for that question. In bringing this up to your husband, again, it depends on which aspect that you’re bringing it up. If your husband is not doing the five keys that I just mentioned, I would suggest possibly going to YouTube and viewing Mark Gungor’s session on this because it’s a very humorous but yet very practical and straightforward talk on this subject. And again, that’s available to you on YouTube. Mark Gungor, G-U-N-G-O-R is his last name. That’s one thing you might consider.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
I would consider making him his favorite meal and bringing it up maybe after he’s had a good meal, when he’s not too tired. Again, if it’s one aspect in terms of your needs as a wife in these areas, that might be a good way to address it. If there are issues, if you’re aware of his use of pornography or if there’s adultery, I would suggest you to be straightforward about it and just let him know that, “Hey, I know you’re doing this and I want to tell you and share with you some things that I learned recently in a workshop about how this is wrong and we need to get help through a group or through one-on-one therapy.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But I would suggest addressing it head-on is another way. Just much prayer, bathe it in a lot of prayer and avoid accusations, use statements. Pointing the finger, he’s not going to be receptive to that kind of thing, but you share from your perspective that, “I have become aware and I have realized that these are things that I need. I wish we could address these, talk about these things, get help.” Sex is one of the harder things to talk about in marriage, and it’s a very difficult thing many times to bring up, but you can do it, but choose the right time, choose the right place, choose the right way to do it, and with much prayer, then I would suggest to bring it up in that way.

Tanisha:
Yes, thank you. Thank you. We have two more questions. And the person who asked that question said, “Thank you.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
You’re welcome. I hope that was helpful.

Tanisha:
One participant asked, “What about women who are going through menopause? It’s been very hard for me and the desire isn’t there due to this issue.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Yeah. That is an issue, the change of life things. My suggestion would be to talk to your physician about that as well first of all, because there are hormonal treatments that can help. I am familiar with the aspects of emotions that that area can decrease. And again, in a lot of women, it’s not a real high area. My friend, Dr. Kevin Leman, says that when a survey was taken of women of the most important things or enjoyable things in marriage, sex was very low at number 26 out of 30.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Talk to your physician about that. There are medical treatments to help go into your hormone… Hormonal treatments through your physician. There are also natural supplements that can be a help that I’m not familiar within my league, but I’ve heard from my clients, that can also help. I would also encourage to talk to your husband about that, share with him what you’re going through. And also, the aspects of thinking about lubrication. There are personal lubricants that can help because I know and I’ve heard… Well, I don’t know in terms of not being a woman, of how that can also mean pain during intercourse, and if that happens, then maybe using a personal lubricant of some type, K-Y Jellies, or those kinds of things can also help to not only increase pleasure but also reduce pain.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
In fact, when I teach pre-marriage, one of the things that I tell young couples who are about to go on their honeymoon is you need to take two things with you; personal lubricant and a good book on the sexual side of marriage, which, while we’re on that subject, there are a number of good Christian books on the area of the sexual side of marriage. Dr. Rosenau, I forget his first name right now, I think [Gary Rosenau 00:37:44] has some excellent resources.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
The one that is old but it never goes out, truth never goes out of date or out of style is Tim LaHaye, Dr. Tim LaHaye and his wife, Beverly. Many of us know of Tim LaHaye through the Left Behind series, but many of us are not aware that Tim LaHaye, before he became well known for the Left Behind series, did Family Life seminars all over the country, and he wrote a book with his wife called The Act of Marriage, and it’s a wonderful book that will explain more in detail about the sexual side of marriage. Very tasteful. In fact, they also wrote a follow-up to it called The Act of Marriage After 40, for those of us who are older, for those in menopause. You might want to get that book. The Act of Marriage After 40 was meant to update the original book called The Act of Marriage.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Those are some wonderful resources that can be a help. Dr. Gary Rosenau and then also Tim LaHaye, Beverly LaHaye on The Act of Marriage or Act of Marriage After 40.

Tanisha:
Thank you, Dr. Felan. And the participant said, “Thank you for the information.”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
You’re welcome. Hope it’s helpful.

Tanisha:
We have about four minutes left, but we do have one question. We have one participant asked, “How do you handle the situation or what tips do you have for handling a situation where one person wants to have sex more frequently than the other?” And also, one participant just said that she and her husband had fell into the trap of co-sleeping with their babies. They have a 15-month-old that’s still in their bed and they need prayer for a good way to get the kids out of their bed. We have the question about one partner wants sex more frequently than the other and then the prayer request on getting kids out of the bed.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Sure. Well, let me address the first one. It’s not uncommon that one person may have a higher sexual drive than the other. In most cases, it’s usually the male in the marriage, but not always. One of the important things that I would say quickly is to cope constructively with no. In other words, if you throw a fit, get angry, pout, sulk, criticize, that’s not going to help you to have more sex.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Dr. John Gottman, a Jewish marriage therapist and scholar who studied much in marriage, has written about this in one of his books, the seven keys to marriage. In fact, I don’t have it here, I’m in my office in La Mesa and I can’t find it real quickly, but seven secrets, seven keys to making marriage last. And he addresses this issue of coping with no. If you would like, I have that material, I’ve scanned it, and would be happy send it to you if you want to email me.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
But coping with no, being considerate of the other person. If a wife or a husband says, “No. Not tonight, honey. I am too tired,” to be understanding, to be kind, to be thoughtful, say, “Okay. No problem. I understand. What would you like to do? You want to just cuddle? You just want to sleep? Whatever you want to do.” In other words, don’t get angry, don’t pout, don’t complain. I was guilty of that myself. In my marriage, my sex drive was much higher than my wife’s, but when I would act like a jerk and do those things, I was shooting myself in the foot, literally, because what spouse wants to be with somebody who’s acting like that? And so, you’re hurting your cause more than you’re helping it if you’re doing those things.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Instead, do the opposite. If somebody says, “No, not tonight,” be understanding, be kind, be patient, and instead maybe ask, “What would you like to do?” One of the other things if the sex response is different is to talk about this subject and ask, “Okay. What can I do?” I would try the five keys here that I’ve talked about and talk about those things. Many times again, mostly it’s the man whose sex drive is higher. It’s up to us guys to draw the sex out of our wives and we do just the opposite, we turn them off. Foreplay, romance, time, privacy, exclusivity, those five things can bring into play and be a help to you as well.

Tanisha:
Someone asked, “Is it Dr. Gary Rosenau, A Celebration of Sex?”

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Yes, that’s an excellent book. Uh-huh (affirmative).

Tanisha:
Okay.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
That’s the one I was thinking of. Yeah. Oh, and there is a wonderful Christian sex therapist here in San Diego if you need help in this area. I am not a sex therapist, although I have 45 years of experience in this area, and I’m not a specialist in this area. I come from a more biblical, a more practical experience, but I have had some study in this area but I’m not a specialist. But I would refer you to Dr. Jennifer Konzen, K-O-Z-E-N. Dr. Jennifer Konzen. She is a trained, certified sex therapist, wonderful Christian, and she works in this area. Dr. Jennifer Konzen would be a great resource for you.

Tanisha:
The participant said, “Thank you,” the one who asked the question about one partner have a higher sex drive than the other. We are at the end of our time together. Oh, one participant mentioned Dr. Jennifer Konzen.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Yes. Thank you, Dr. [Yee 00:44:43]. That’s the lady. Uh-huh (affirmative). Dr. Jennifer Konzen.

Tanisha:
If you wouldn’t mind, Dr. Felan, if you can pray us out and pray for the attendee who requested prayer in regards to getting her children out of the bed and then [crosstalk 00:45:04] the other families that are dealing with that issue as well.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
I’d pray for that but I would just… Quickly, if I could take another minute or two. I do believe you need to do everything you can, as quickly as you can to get your child into their own bedroom apart from you and your spouse because that is a definite deterrent in that area. If you’re breastfeeding, you can still put the child in the other room. Maybe get your husband to wake up and bring the child to you but then take the child back. That’s a real deterrent to… There’s no privacy there and you want to be sensitive.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
If they need their own bed or if you need to wean them, if you’re breastfeeding to help your marriage, God put you as husband and wife together first, and the marriage needs to be a greater priority than the children. I’m not saying your children aren’t important, but first, there was you and your husband or your wife, then there were the children, and you need to keep God first in your marriage, and then your spouse, and then your children, and that’s the priority I believe that will make for a healthier marriage.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Getting the children out as quickly as possible into the other bed, whatever it takes in a sense to do that will help go a long way to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage. Let me close with a prayer. Thank you again for your participation here. If you believe I could be of help, my information is, one of the sponsors, with ChristianCounselingSD.com. ChristianCounselingSD, San Diego, like San Diego, dot com is my website. I have an office in La Mesa, I am a full-time therapist. Right now, I’m doing it online over Zoom until the governor gives us the all-clear order, but I’ll be happy to do my best to help out in any ways or if you would like to get the resources for help, please email me, my first and last name dot com just as you see on the screen, [email protected]. No spaces, no dots, just [email protected], and I’ll do my best to get back to you as quickly as possible.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
Let me close in a prayer. Thank you, Tanisha, for helping us and for all of you again for participating with me in this time and in the Family Conference. God bless you all. Let me pray. Heavenly Father, thank you again for this time that we’ve had together. Thank you for each family, each household, each person that’s represented here. God, I pray that especially for the person whose child is in the bed that you’ll help them be able to get the child into their own room and bed as soon as possible, and that you’ll give them wisdom in that and the child will adjust quickly.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
I pray for all of the marriages and families represented here, Lord, that you’ll bless them, that you’ll bless their sexual union together as well, and help them, those who are struggling in these areas, Father, where there have been betrayals of trust, that you’ll bring healing, whether it’s been pornography or any type of other non-exclusivity in the marriage, that you’ll bring help and healing, and that we thank you for the groups that are going on to bring help and I pray you’ll bless those groups and the people who lead them and the churches that have them, as well as the ministries that provide those helps.

Dr. Marcial Felan:
And so, God, I do pray for each person, each family here, your blessings upon their marriage, protect their marriage, protect them in the area of sexual intimacy, and bless them in that area as well as it can be a hard and difficult area for many couples. And we thank you again for your truth of your word which guides us and helps us. Help us to be obedient to it, and we thank you and pray this all in Jesus name and everybody said amen.

Tanisha:
Amen.

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“Healthy Sex in Marriage” by Dr. Marcial Felan