Level Up Your Love By Jed Jurchenko

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Jed Jurchenko:
… relationships and tools, skills, and ideas to make a relationship work. Really, before we dive in, I want to hear just a little bit from you because guys, it’s Saturday. I don’t know about you, but I’m looking outside the window right now and sun is shining or at least it’s shining enough. And in Minnesota, we don’t have too many sunny days. So anytime the sun’s out and the temperature is above zero, I’m like, “Yes, it’s a nice day out.” Some of you guys are from San Diego, my old neck of the woods, beach is nearby. I know the weather’s got to be nice there, but it’s just like always nice there. And yet you’re here. You’re on Zoom. More people are working from home than ever before on Zoom day in and day out. I’m hearing this new phrase called Zoom fatigue, and it’s the weekend. You don’t have to be on Zoom. You don’t have to be here, but you’re here.

Jed Jurchenko:
How come? What brought you here today? Is there something you’re hoping to get out of this? What drew you to this class? Because one, I think that’s really cool and commend you for being here, but I want to know why. What brought you to this session today called Level Up Your Love? I want to add as much value as possible. So if there was something where you’re like, “Oh, there’s something that I really need to get out of this,” if it’s built in, I want to pause there for a minute. And if you have the chat open, just go ahead and type it in and hit enter. Would love to know out of all the things that you could have done today, what brought you to a talk called Level Up Your Love? Why are you choosing to be here?

Jed Jurchenko:
I’ve got some guesses. My guess is probably on some level, relationships are important. Relationships matter. Awesome. I have four kids, live in San Diego, went to the beach yesterday. Love it. I miss the beach. I miss the San Diego beach. Looking to add more tools to help our college age kids living at home better connect with the family and each other. Awesome. Love that one. So I’ll make sure when we get to some of these tools, just to kind of show how they can be applied in the family too. This, I’ve put together especially for couples in romantic relationships, but a lot of this is going to apply to family as well. Awesome. I love my husband and I want to know how to better serve him. Love that answer. I would say the same thing. I love my wife. I want to know how to better serve her. Thank you for putting that in there.

Jed Jurchenko:
So let me tell you a little bit about this session and continue to type your answers. I love this. I love hearing from you guys. But a couple months ago, I had a friend challenge me and he said, “Jed, could you take what you know about relationships and boil them down to the most important things? What are the very most important things that couples need to know to have a good relationship? And could you put it on a one page sheet?” I thought about that for a minute and I thought, “Ooh, what a fun challenge?” And so for me, this was really a challenge of finding those key relationship principles, the ones that are research based, evidence based, the ones that I’ve used and I’m like, “Oh, this was a big needle mover in my relationship with Jenny,” and the ones that I’ve really seen work for other couples and then wordsmithing and refining.

Jed Jurchenko:
And so we’re not going to go through all of them today, but you should have this worksheet. It’s up on the website and I can definitely get it for you if you don’t. But these are the top 15 principles that were the biggest needle movers in my relationship. And they’re also based upon a survey that I did with over 100 couples. And I asked this question, how do you know you’re in love? And before I show you some of the answers, I’m just curious, how would you answer this? And go ahead and put it in the chat. How do you know you’re in love?

Jed Jurchenko:
Now I’m going to show you some of the answers that I got. So this was my survey and here’s some of my favorite and some of the ones that just came up over and over again. All right. So over 100 couples, this question, how do you know you’re in love? We go on weekly date nights. We laugh together. Love this one. We put each other’s needs first. We enjoy doing things together. Movies, games, walks. We pray together. And then I thought this one was great. We think of the same thing without even speaking to each other. I think isn’t that cool when you and your loved one, you and your spouse are so connected it’s almost like the two of you can read each other’s minds? Now, have you been there before? If you have, raise your hand, give me a yes in the chat, give me a thumbs up emoji, hand clap emoji. How many of you have been on that place where you’re like, “We’re so connected it’s almost like we can read each other’s minds?”

Jed Jurchenko:
All right. So here’s the next one. My takeaway from all of this, by the way, was this. It was that in relationships, it’s often those little things that makes the difference. And in this group for couples I ran, this kind of became a saying, almost a battle cry for a while that in relationships, the little things are the big things. It’s nice to have those big getaways, those amazing times together. But when I talked to couples and said, “How do you know you’re in love?” A lot of times, it was those little things that came up over and over. We just know what we’re thinking. We pray together day in and day out. We walk together.

Jed Jurchenko:
Now, I also asked this question, said, what are those barriers to joy in your relationship? What are those things that are keeping you from connecting, from being in love, from enjoying your time together? And there was one answer that came up more than any other. Any guesses what it is? If you want to guess, put it in the chat. So here’s what was said over and over again, little bit different ways, but it was time, lack of time, busyness, competing priorities. One of the things I’ve learned is couples want to connect. We want those happy moments together. We want to laugh. We want to be on the same page. We want to enjoy those little moments, but it is tough because I think now more than ever before, we’re just busy. We’re rushing around from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. I know as a dad of six kids, sometimes it feels like we’re just caught up in the whirlwind and here’s where the problem comes in. And this is based on John Gottman’s research. So there’s this magic ratio, this magic formula for keeping relationships healthy and stable. I love those two words. How many of you would like a healthy relationship and a stable relationship? One where the two of you are getting along and you feel secure? You’re like, “I know we’re together.”

Jed Jurchenko:
So here’s that magic ratio based on John Gottman’s study with hundreds of couples. He gives us number five and one. And he says according to science, that magic ratio is five to one. For every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy couple has… they have five or more positive interactions. And I love this. I love that there’s… especially being a guy, that there’s this tangible, very real goal to shoot for. And so this whole idea of level up your love is really built on this principle of exponential growth. And I mentioned this in my previous work because I love this. I love this idea that the little things really can be the big things. And if we get in the habit of doing these little things day in and day out, our relationship can grow like never before.

Jed Jurchenko:
So law of exponential growth is built on two things. It’s built on the domino effect. And this comes from a physics paper called Domino Chain Reaction. And the whole idea is this. In domino chain reaction, it is this very complex physics paper that basically says this. Every domino in a chain of dominoes can knock down a domino that’s approximately one and a half times bigger than itself. So a one and a half inch domino can knock down a two inch domino, which can knock down a three and a half inch domino, which is going to knock down, I believe, a four inch domino, which doesn’t sound huge. Kind of think, “Okay, cute trick,” until you get to domino number 30, which is going to be big enough to topple even the biggest skyscraper. And so the whole idea is those little actions, little growth builds up over time and it compounds. At some point, we’re like, “Wow, how do we get here? This is pretty cool.”

Jed Jurchenko:
I’ve also got an acorn down there. Even more fun is this idea of a Redwood seed. And you’ll see right there a picture of a Redwood tree and a guy with his arms out. Couldn’t wrap his arms around that tree if he wanted to. Now, my dad planted a Redwood tree when each of us kids were born. I’ve got a brother and a sister. So we had three Redwood trees in our yard. And growing up, we would find Redwood seeds, which are smaller than an acorn. And yet years and years later with a little bit of water, little bit of sunlight, good soil and time, you get this. And for me, that’s a good metaphor for exponential growth. That’s the kind of relationship that I want with Jenny, is one that maybe starts off like that Redwood seed, but then through tiny connection moments day in and day out, we start to get that exponential growth.

Jed Jurchenko:
Guys, does that make sense and is that what you want for your relationship? And if it is, would you just type yes in the chat? Let me know you’re here. Let me know you’re tracking. So here is idea number one in level up your love. Thank you. I got a got it. Love it. Heck yeah. Fantastic. Another yes. Thank you so much, guys. Gets me energized when I’m like, “Yes, other people are getting this too. You’re listening, you’re tracking, and I’m talking to people on the other side of a screen.” So I love this. I love knowing you’re there and engaged. So here’s this first level up your love principle that I absolutely love, made a big difference in our relationship, and is this. One, I believe average couples live in quiet desperation. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, schools will teach things like math, history, and science, but we don’t really teach couples how to do relationships well. As it turns out, average relationship is broken. The divorce rate in the United States hovers about 50%. And of the couples that make it, I hear over and over again that far too many of us are white-knuckling it from one moment to the next.

Jed Jurchenko:
I believe one of the keys for changing that is this idea of taking 100% responsibility to level up your love. And cool thing is you’ll find this principle in psychology, you’ll find this in business, and you’ll also find this in sports. So previous company I worked for, I’d hear this phrase all the time, control the controllables. If sales were down, they would tell the sales team, “Control the controllables.” You can’t make somebody buy from you. You can control how you show up. You can control your attitude. You can listen, be fully present. You can make your very best sales pitch.

Jed Jurchenko:
Now, one day, my wife, Jenny, went to a teaching conference and they had the high performance coach for the Minnesota Vikings. And this high performance coach gave the keynote. Jenny came home, said, “Jed, I heard the performance coach for the Minnesota Vikings speak. We’ve got this great principle. It’s called dominate the controllables.” It’s like, “Oh, I know that.” In business, we’d call it control the controllables, focus on what you can do. In sports, especially if you’re a Minnesota Vikings mindset coach, you’re not going to control anything, you’re going to dominate. Right? And then in marriage, I would say we’re going to take 100% responsibility for the things that we can do. You and I can’t make our loved ones connect, but we can courageously reach out. You and I can’t make our loved ones go on a date with us, but we can plan a date and ask and invite. And so that’s what each of these principles is built on, this whole idea of what can you do? How can you take 100% responsibility to level up your love?

Jed Jurchenko:
Metaphor I heard last week is this idea of being the thermostat and not the thermometer. And so thermometer is reactive, right? The temperature outside goes up, thermometer goes up. You’re in Minnesota and Minnesota winter hits, that thermometer drops because it goes well below zero here. Thermostat on the other hand, little box in our home where it can be below 30 degrees outside and yet it’s 70 in our home because thermostat controls the temperature. And so the whole idea of level up your love is be that thermostat in your relationship, not the thermometer. Be the one who sets the emotional temperature of joy, enthusiasm, love, and warmth in your home, which a lot of times is easier said than done. And if you’re thinking, “Man, I don’t always get this right,” I’m right there with you. I don’t always get this right either, but it’s what I’m striving to do.

Jed Jurchenko:
And so each of these level up your love principles is really built upon this idea of taking 100% responsibility of being that thermostat and setting a positive, joyful, emotional temperature in your home. How many of you would like to be on this journey with me? You’re like, “Yes, I got it, I’m going to take 100% responsibility for what I can do?” And if you’re thinking about it, considering it, type in 100% in the chat because I think that’s a powerful principle for couples to learn. Love it. 100%, first one.

Jed Jurchenko:
So here’s something I learned in actually one of the counseling courses I was taking years ago and I love this idea, this idea of filling your spouse’s love bank daily and never having a short account. Just out of curiosity, anybody here ever have a short account in the bank? I’ll tell you, I did once and it was one of those gut-wrenching feelings that just hit you. I had graduated from college. I had gotten my own condo, paid all my bills for that month. I was on time. I was feeling good. And then I went to clean out that junk drawer in our house, my house. I was living on my own. I was cleaning it out. I noticed an old checkbook for a closed account. And I was like, “Oh, can’t believe I still have this. I don’t bank there anymore.” I was getting ready to throw it out, and all of a sudden, I realized I had just paid every single bill about two days earlier with that old checkbook, from that checking account that had no money in it. I realized every single check that I wrote, including the check that I wrote my gift check to the church was about to bounce and my heart just sank.

Jed Jurchenko:
April, I love it. I see that yikes look. When it comes to relationships, the whole idea is that all of us also have a love bank and we can make love deposits into our spouse’s life by doing those things that build them up. When we have those negative interactions, it’s like making a love bank withdrawal. According to John Gottman’s research, our magic number is five to one. For every withdrawal we make, we want to make five love bank deposits. Whole idea is to fill our spouse’s love bank. I would like to stand here to say, “Man, I’ve got the secret. If you just follow this formula, you’re never ever going to make that love bank withdrawal.” That wouldn’t be honest, that wouldn’t be true. I mess up. I blow it just like everybody else and it’s going to happen. But happy couples make those consistent love bank deposits.

Jed Jurchenko:
Now below that, I wrote down this phrase, writers write and happy couples connect. Here’s my secret for making more love bank deposits. This may or may not work for you, but it’s something that worked for Jenny and I. For years, I wanted to write a book. Couldn’t do it. I’d start and stop, start and stop, start and stop. Then I heard this simple phrase, writers write. I thought, “Duh, that’s why I’m not getting my book done.” I start writing. Then I have these thoughts of, “Oh, I should build my social media audience. I should study how to write a book. I should get better at spelling and grammar,” and I’d get derailed and stop. Then I heard those two magic words, writers write. Next morning, I woke up 5:00 AM, brewed a pot of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table, began to write. I did that day in and day out. At the end of a couple months, my book was finished.

Jed Jurchenko:
Now, I’m going to take the same principle and apply it to relationships because here’s what I learned. I took this new habit of daily writing and attached it to an old habit I already had in place. That old habit was waking up and brewing a pot of coffee. And all the research is showing if you want to develop a new habit, take it and tie it to an old habit and it’s going to be so much easier for you. All right. Now, let me tie this into relationships. So I’m writing, enjoying writing. I’m like, “Yes, I’m learning how to publish books.” Couple years ago, Jenny comes to me, says, “Jed, I love that you write. I love that you’re helping people. I love that you’re connecting with people, but sometimes I feel like you’re missing me. You’re in an entirely another world when you write.” I thought, “Man, I’ve got to fix this.”

Jed Jurchenko:
So all of a sudden, I put a new trigger in place. I’ll wake up in the morning just like I always do at 5:00 AM. I’ll come downstairs, sit at her table. I’ll start writing. But now when Jenny walks down the stairs, first time I see her, that’s my cue to close my laptop and connect with her. Sometimes it’s for a minute. Sometimes it’s for 5 to 10 minutes. For her, it’s that love bank deposit of I’m more important to Jed than the project that he’s working on. And I would’ve told you that all along, would’ve been, “Yes, you’re always more important than any project,” but that’s my way of communicating it to her. That’s my way of filling her love bank. And so what I’ve learned is I can set up triggers or cues or reminders that say, “Oh, this is time for me to connect with my wife right now.” Does that make sense? Yes. Good stuff. Thank you.

Jed Jurchenko:
Here’s another favorite metaphor. You’ll learn that I love, love, love metaphors. I’m going to go through this quick because we’ve got just a couple more minutes, then we’re going to dive into the discussion. But second thing that you and I can take responsibility for is reaching out and connecting. And I love this metaphor of connecting like Velcro. Now, if you look at the picture on the PowerPoint, you’ll see there’s one strip of Velcro. It’s got teeny tiny hooks on it. Another strip has teeny tiny loops and that is the magic of Velcro. Those hooks and loops connect. Now, cool thing about Velcro is it connects, it disconnects, and then if you’re like me when I was in third grade and you have those Velcro shoes and you would sit there and put them on, take them off, put them on, take them off, you’re like, “Oh look, it connects.”

Jed Jurchenko:
Eventually, those hooks and loops stretch out and it’s almost like they reach for each other. And that’s what happy couples do. Happy couples connect. Just like every other couple, happy couples disconnect. They have times where they disagree. They’re not on the same page. They argue. John Gottman says, “Yeah, that’s okay. Sometimes couples need to disagree. They need to argue. But happy couples, then like Velcro, reach for each other to reconnect again. John Gottman call it a repair attempt. He would say happy couples don’t stay connected for long. They find a way to reach out for each other to reciprocate and to reconnect. And so that mindset shift is you and I can’t make our loved one connect or reconnect, but we can courageously reach out. And so it’s that mindset shift of I’m going to control the controllables. When Jenny and I are disconnected, I’m going to reach out and just know that, “Hey, reaching is a win even if I don’t get the response that I want.” Then I’m going to reach out again later. Eventually, we’re going to reconnect. There’s a lot of security in that.

Jed Jurchenko:
All right. Last one is we’ve hit our time then we’ll dive into the discussion. Two more words that I absolutely love, two of my favorite, practice into-me-see and connectication. So oftentimes when we think of the word intimacy, we think of sex, but I love this new definition, this intimacy as into-me-see of striving to appear under a loved one’s inner world. And to tell you the truth, into-me-see can lead to intimacy. But it’s that whole idea of I want to know what’s going on inside of you. I want to know your heart. I’m going to ask thought-provoking questions. I’m really going to listen. And the reason I put both of these on the same page is more often than not this idea of into-me-see, it’s going to resonate probably more with women.

Jed Jurchenko:
My wife, Jenny, loves to share her heart. She loves to go down deep. Connectication is probably going to resonate more with guys. And I’ve got this picture on the right of a couple hiking together, smiling. I would call that a connectication moment. Not necessarily talking but having fun being in each other’s presence. And I believe we need both. We need intimacy or we’re sharing our heart, but I’ve also got to tell you as a guy, I can only take so much deep conversation. There comes a time where I’ve heard this phrase, girls a lot of times do conversation face to face. Guys, we do conversations side by side and that’s what connectication is all about. Times that I feel really close to Jenny, a lot of times are when we’re walking together, when we’re playing a board game, when we’re just sitting in the same room.

Jed Jurchenko:
All right, guys, we are at the end of that teaching time. I want to hear from you. I want to dive into this conversation. What resonated with you? What tiny habit might you add to your relationship? I told you mine. First time I see Jenny, that’s my cue of, “Oh, we’re going to connect right now.” Do you have something that you’re going to turn into a trigger habit? How do you and your loved one connecticate? What makes you feel connected and close? And then what do you do that brings that intimacy, that brings that sharing of inner worlds? There’s no order to this. There’s nothing that says you have to dive into one of these topics up here. These are just some ideas of what we might want to dive into during this next 10 to 12 minutes. Let’s start with that first one, what resonated with you? What’s something you heard and you’re like, “Oh, I’m doing that and that’s why this is working.” Or maybe you’ve heard it and you thought, “I need to start doing that.”

Brian Heins:
If anybody just wants to make a statement about what they learned or what they liked, that would be good as well.

Jed Jurchenko:
I’m glad you shared that. And something I’ll share with Jenny quite frequently is I’ll tell her, “I love it when you connect the dots for me.” I don’t know though if every couple or relationship is like that, but I personally love it because I’ll miss stuff. One thing that I was doing for a while too is when Jenny was sharing her day with me, I’m a guy, I love to fix stuff. It’s out of curiosity. Any other guys who are fixers? With my background as a therapist, my thought is why would you talk about something… I love it. Thank you. In my mind, I’m thinking, why would you tell me a challenge if you didn’t want me to help brainstorm and problem solve? And then she’s like, “Jed, sometimes you just need to listen and I just want to tell you about my day.” I thought, “Oh.” And so now a lot of times, she’ll say, “Oh, Jed, I’ve got something I got to tell you and I just want you to listen.” And other times she’ll say, “Oh, Jed, I’ve got something I want to tell you, but I’d love your feedback on this.” And all of a sudden, I’m like, “Yes.” I get to enter problem solve mode. But I love it when she connects the dots for me. So that’s super helpful.

Jed Jurchenko:
So thank you for sharing that. All right. I see a question. Do you find yourself ever being able to connect the same way when originally dating or is it a struggle that’s not easily approachable without enormous work in marriage? Great, great question. And I would say yes and no. Do we connect the same way? I would say yes in the fact that, man, I love being around Jenny. We have some really great connection times and connection moments. I think love matures and changes over time. It was yesterday, we were camping and eating and Jenny bites into something and it just explodes everywhere and we just kind of laugh. And I was like, “Do you remember that time that we went out to the restaurant, maybe our fourth date, and you ordered that pineapple burger and you ate like this the entire time? I literally did not see your face because you wouldn’t even drip food in front of me.” She’s like, “Oh, yeah, I’m so over that.” She’s like, “Jed, we’ve got six kids. I let that go a long time ago.”

Jed Jurchenko:
So I would say it’s the same but different. We’re more comfortable around each other, more relaxed, more mature, but very connected still. I don’t know if that’s helpful, but I would say if you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re like, “Oh, this feels a little bit different than when you’re first dating,” I would say that’s probably pretty normal.

Brian Heins:
We got about five minutes left if need be unless nobody has any other questions, but feel free to make kind of comments or ask any more questions. We had a few more minutes left.

Jed Jurchenko:
Hey, guys, in the time that we have left, I’d love to know what’s one tool, technique, or strategy you might try? Because I know in a workshop like this, it’s easy to walk out and you’re like, “Oh, yes, I know so much more.” But really the whole idea in my mind of this is going from here to here and saying, “Okay, what’s one little thing you’re going to do differently to start moving towards that exponential growth?” And it doesn’t have to be huge. It might be something as simple as, all right, I’m going to set a trigger when I come home from work. That’s going to be my cue to find my spouse and greet him or her with a hug and a kiss. Might be I’m going to intentionally seek to fill their love bank every single day by saying, “I love you.”

Jed Jurchenko:
All right, guys. Well, thank you for coming. Before we end this one, can I pray for you, pray for us? Father, I thank you so much for today and just for this amazing group of people who took time out of a Saturday to be here on Zoom to dive into this topic of relationships. Father, we know that you designed us for relationships. That you said it’s not good for a man or woman to be alone. You created us to connect with you, to connect with each other. That you created marriage and that marriage matters. Father, we’re here because we want to love you, we want to honor you, we want to be good spouses, husbands, wives, the person that you gave us. We pray that you would bless our marriages, that you would help us grow and continue to grow in both our love for you and our love for each other. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen. All right, guys. Thank you so much. Brian, what’s next?

Brian Heins:
All right. We just want to thank you for your time, Jed, and for presenting that. And I’m going to wrap it up now as long as I guess we went through all the questions and comments. So that’s all we have for today. So thank you for joining the meeting and have a great rest of the day or night depending on which part of the world you’re in. Thank you, everyone.

Jed Jurchenko:
Awesome. Thank you, guys. And Brian, what time does session three start? Is that certain right now or?

Brian Heins:
There’s another session in about 15 minutes, I think.

Jed Jurchenko:
Awesome.

Brian Heins:
So around one o’clock. All right. Thank you.

Jed Jurchenko:
Thanks, guys.

Brian Heins:
Have a great day, everybody.

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Level-up your Love by Jed Jurchenko