Raising Resilient Kids by DeVita Andrews

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Speaker 1:
All right. Thank everybody for attending. Thank you, guys. The topic covered in this presentation is How to Raise Resilient Kids. And our speaker is DeVita Andrews. DeVita Andrews is a US Navy retired master training specialist, an associate professional clinical counselor under direct supervision of Dr. Bonnie Hedlund. She earned her bachelor’s degree from Southern Illinois University in vocational education and her master’s degree from Azusa Pacific University in educational and clinical counseling holding a Pupil Personnel Services Credential.

Speaker 1:
Having been engaged in the counseling field since 2007, she specializes in adolescent and young adults maneuvering through life, utilizing a trauma-informed care approach. Throughout her career as a school counselor working in K through 12 college admissions counseling and clinically dependent young adults, she has seen it all.

Speaker 1:
She currently provides professional clinical counseling services to a broad spectrum of clients. She is an EMDR trained therapist and works with trauma and resiliency. She has a biblical worldview and integrates faith into her therapy practices. And just a reminder, let’s please save our questions for the end. I’m happy to welcome DeVita Andrews.

DeVita Andrews:
Hi. Welcome, everyone. Can you hear me? Am I loud enough?

DeVita Andrews:
So first of all, I want to thank you for being here because often what I end up seeing are the young people who really don’t have resilience and their parents believe that the resilience is something that either they’re born with and they don’t have enough of it and then investing in them.

DeVita Andrews:
So when we think about parenting, the things that we think about, we all want to dream of our children being raised, leading them happy lives, free of harm, free of pain, free of worries, no emotional hurt. They never break a bone, lose a ball game, receive grades lower than As. They never smoke, chew or hang out with the people who do. They never use drugs, wreck the car, have sex before marriage. That’s the ideal that we’re looking for.

DeVita Andrews:
But the thing is, that’s not real. Children wouldn’t have … When we’re talking about concern, they’re going to have peer pressure. They have bullying. They sometimes have parents fighting and divorcing. They have strangers lurking about. There’s disease, there’s death, there’s poverty, there’s crime, there’s terrorism, there’s war.

DeVita Andrews:
Let’s be honest, all these things are pulling at them. But if we could, we’d wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them safe. But that won’t work. That’s not what God’s design is. So even if we could, it really wouldn’t benefit them if we protected them from everything.

DeVita Andrews:
So I hope to help you embrace the alternate view. That alternate view is looking at life as a recipe. When we look at that experiences that they have, the things that they’re facing, the challenges that they’re facing, recovering and discovering that they are capable with tough situations.

DeVita Andrews:
Would they be able to revel in success or experience joy and pleasure if they never faced some struggle, some failure or some rejection? Would they appreciate good fortune if they never knew the opposite of it? If we could have a magic wand to isolate kids from the pain around them, wouldn’t we just be raising young people with a lack of empathy, unable to feel or express love, compassion, or desire to help others? Would they be prepared to make the world a better place?

DeVita Andrews:
We cannot raise to totally invulnerable kids, but our goal must be to raise children who can handle the stress, handle the bumps and bruises that are coming along the way. You must prepare them to cope with the difficult challenges and bounce back. Find happiness even when things aren’t going their way. We want them to have a deep, developmental, strong roots now so that their wings will carry them successfully. That’s what we’re talking about.

DeVita Andrews:
I’m going to share my PowerPoint with you and we’re going to get going here.

DeVita Andrews:
This is our goal here. Again, we want them to have roots to remember where they come from so they have wings to show where they can become. So roots and wings are very important. And if the roots aren’t deep, the wings won’t be strong.

DeVita Andrews:
Why resilience? When we think about the word resilience, it is the equipping required to unleash a stronger, more authentic family. And post traumatic growth comes only through adversity. Children who never have adversity, their growth will be stunted. What we want to do is help them, guide them, coach them through their adversity. Resilience is wonderfully a positive concept, but it would never be confused and we shouldn’t confuse it with invulnerability.

DeVita Andrews:
And so when we’re looking at invulnerability and we’re looking at perfection and isolation, those are not attributes in order for our children to grow. Here’s our first one. And we’re looking at the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances. That is our goal. And that trait allows us to exist in this sense. This is a huge component of everything that we’re going to be talking about. It is allowing them to be optimistic, to have the confidence necessary to get through whatever it is that they’re going through.

DeVita Andrews:
And so when we think about that term, we think about buoyancy. When you push something under water, it bounces back when there’s buoyancy. If we keep that in mind when we’re pushed under water, our bodies instinctively rise back. That’s the useful image that I want you to keep in mind.

DeVita Andrews:
And so it’s commonly defined as the ability to recover from quality of bouncing back. That’s what resiliency is. And so when we’re looking at resilience, we’re looking at a mindset. It is a mindset and it changes and challenges our opportunities. It’s stepping stones, not obstacles. So when they come against something that is tough, they’re looking at as a stepping stone, not an obstacle getting in the way.

DeVita Andrews:
And the last part of that is a trait that parents hope that their children develop. These are problems, but understand these problems that they’re going to come across are ultimately necessary to strengthen them. Rather than engaging in self-doubt, catastrophic thinking or victimization of why me, why me, we’re looking to seek solutions.

DeVita Andrews:
And so that’s the working to definition of what resilience is. And scripture inspires resilience. We can look at many, many notable people in the scripture and resilience is their middle name. Without resilience, they wouldn’t have been able to get through the things that they were going through.

DeVita Andrews:
So let’s look at the importance of this storms that we have in our lives and the storms that young people have, and again, emphasizing roots. When we look at trees outside, when a storm happens, the trees roots go deeper so that the tree can stand. Well, that’s exactly what we want to do with young people. When the storms come, are they capable of digging deeper their roots in which they were given by their family so they can wave within the storm?

DeVita Andrews:
I want you to check out any swim class. When you think about it, if you’ve ever went to a children’s swim class, all the children have levels and able to float. They’re born with it. It’s just at different levels in which they come through. And that’s the same thing with resilience. Every child is built with resilience. It’s an inherited quality that God gives us is resilience, but there’s different levels within the resilience. And that is based on the family surrounding, allowing that young person to take their resiliency, to use that resiliency to strengthen them.

DeVita Andrews:
And so it is just different measures of resilience, but we all have resiliency. Again, all children are born with a natural resilience, but it’s interesting how some seem to look like they have it so much better. And you wonder why is that child bouncing back so easily, but this other child isn’t? And I’m going to be talking about these seven characters in which these young people have that is helping them to maintain their resilience.

DeVita Andrews:
Another thing is keep in mind, resilience starts at around age two and goes through to the age of 18. Regardless of what age your child is, resiliency still is an important part of their dynamic in their growth. And then the last part of this, resilient people are more stressful because they push their limits and learn from their mistakes.

DeVita Andrews:
The whole point of resiliency is so that young people can learn. They can grow. And so parents take the lead in building resilience, but adolescent’s ability to thrive is also deeply affected by the community of adults that they are surrounded with. Their teachers, their coaches, their youth pastors or pastors, that group of people, it’s very important that they come alongside families to help build resilience.

DeVita Andrews:
And so one thing we want to keep clear here though, is much of what I’m going to say, you already know. It is common sense parenting, but what I want to do is reinforce what you already know and build for you so you can build within your children.

DeVita Andrews:
When we’re talking about being strong, like I said, it’s a recipe and that’s the mindset that I want you to have. It is a recipe and any good recipe, you have to have the ingredients necessary. Those ingredients that I’m going to be sharing are seven. There are seven ingredients in this recipe for a healthy, resilient, young person.

DeVita Andrews:
Our kids live up or down to the expectations of those around them in authority. If your expectation is high, it’s likely that your child’s will rise to those expectations. If you lower the expectations, they will meet that lowered expectations. Sometimes, the best thing that we can do is actually get out of their way. As parents, sometimes we want to go in and rescue and what we’re really teaching them is when we rescue them that we don’t believe they can do it.

DeVita Andrews:
There’s a measure that we need to keep in mind as we go in to help our children. We need unconditional love and unconditional love that gives absolute security and a deep connection to at least one adult. I hope it is the parent that they’re having that connection with, but maybe it’s the grandparent. Maybe it is the youth pastor. Maybe it is a coach. Maybe it is a teacher, but it’s important that they have that connection from one adult.

DeVita Andrews:
Like I said, my goal as a therapist and as a former school counselor was it to be the parent, to encourage the parent to be that person. But based on circumstances, sometimes it’s not. But I encourage young people that if it is not their parent, that their parent get to know who that person is because you want to make sure that you’re in alignment. That is like mindedness that whoever’s influencing your child is influencing the way that you would have them to go.

DeVita Andrews:
And then also it’s about taking the right approach. We’re going to be listening attentively. Listening, listening, listening. And when I say, listen attentively, it’s more important about not just what you say but also what you do. Are you speaking to them only in the crisis or are you speaking to them in a routine basis? “How’s your day? What’s going on? Talk to me.” What about their feelings? It’s very, very important that that connection be there.

DeVita Andrews:
So when we look at the ingredients that we have to have, I want you to just think about reinforcing the best of what you know. Here’s a secret that you probably won’t hear from a lot of people. Don’t trust “experts”. You’re an expert on your child. Go with your gut, recognize when you feel something isn’t right because that is your child. You have a vested interest in the success and the wellbeing of your child.

DeVita Andrews:
I’ve been doing this for over 30 years and I’ve learned a lot from my own son, as well as the students and families that I work with. So me sitting on this side “expert”, I want you to take what I say with a grain of salt and measure it against your child, your family, your goals. I’m just giving you some tools, but it’s really important that you trust your gut when it comes to you and your child.

DeVita Andrews:
Now, this is something else I want you to keep in mind when we’re talking about this chasm, and that’s what it is, we often see with young people that they take steps forward in their developmental growth. And just when, as a parent, you are patting them on the back, you are saying to your neighbors and friends you’re so proud of what they’re doing. Something happens and you take one or two steps backwards, but that’s a natural thing.

DeVita Andrews:
If you were to jump this chasm, would you stand right on the edge and jump? Or would you run back a few steps and then go forward? That’s exactly what young people do. They run a couple of steps backwards so they can gain strength and then they go forward. But note that sometimes as parents, we don’t recognize that. We see the behavior and we have a problem with the behavior.

DeVita Andrews:
What all they’re doing is stepping back to get confidence to go forward again. When they do that, it’s a matter of coming alongside and strengthening them because they recognize they’re about to go into something much bigger and they need a running start. Let’s not beat them up too much when they take a couple steps backward before they go forward. We want to encourage them because these are the visible evidential signs of developmental growth. Nothing we say is as important as what they see us do on a daily basis.

DeVita Andrews:
Again, how would you approach this chasm? Hopefully, you would run back a few steps and then jump instead of jumping right off the edge and maybe falling through.

DeVita Andrews:
We’re talking about consistency here, and consistency is the most important ingredient in parenting. How consistent are we willing to be? It requires dedication, time, energy. I love a book by Dr. James Dobson that says parenting isn’t for cowards because it requires us to do more. And Galatians 6:9 in the New Living translation says that, “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good.”

DeVita Andrews:
When we’re investing in our children, let’s not be tired. We want to look at values that are clear unwavering, but flexible. It’s important that young people know that there’s some flexibility in what they are learning from their parents, because the model of flexibility is a valuable quality. Help them build a bridge and then provide them with the tools that they can adapt, adjust and overcome.

DeVita Andrews:
Love is unconditional. It’s stable. And it’s obviously evident. There have been times when I have sat in the office and I’ve had people crying that they truly believed their parents didn’t care. The saddest part was that their parents were speaking to them in a love language that their child just didn’t understand. And then helping them with the communication allowed the child to see that their parents really did care.

DeVita Andrews:
And so structure and boundaries and discipline is caring. But in society, that’s not what they’re being taught. If we were to fantasize a safe idealized world for your children, the reality is some kids are going to get into trouble. Some are going to abuse drugs. Some are going to cut themselves. Some are going to be anxious. Some are going to be depressed. Some are going to be bullied at school. Some are going to be suicidal over stress. They’re going to be looking for love in all the wrong places, but their first line of defense is their parents.

DeVita Andrews:
Adolescents benefit from reliable routines, and those routines are established by parents. Regardless of their age, you want to keep in mind it’s never too late to begin with approaches to building resilience. The fruit of their efforts will grow throughout childhood, and it culminates an adolescence and it serves your child well throughout their adult life.

DeVita Andrews:
I’m going to give you some of the bedrocks of resilience. So security, and that’s created by unconditional love. Resilience, if your child can come to you about the toughest things that’s on their mind, that allows for security. And so when stress seems to permeate everyone’s life and it’s on a 24/7 basis, our children are stressed at home. They’re stressed at school. How many times have we said, “Hurry up, finish this, finish your homework. Did you memorize one verses? Are you going to be late to youth group,” I mean, constantly on and on and on.

DeVita Andrews:
And then they have what’s happening in their school, and with their friends. Things like, be cool, try this. Don’t try that. Show your parents that you’re not a baby. All these things are coming at them in all directions, and they’re trying to make friends. But that security is created by parents, unconditional love.

DeVita Andrews:
It’s meeting adult expectations. That’s another thing. And that’s meeting those expectations for better or for worse. Also, watching what we do more than listening to what we say. If we rob them of opportunities to develop resilience, we actually undercut their abilities. And again, like I said earlier, what we’re saying to them is, “I don’t believe you can do it. So I need to step in and I need to do it for you.”

DeVita Andrews:
Now, there are times that we’re going to need to step in, but they also need to learn how to problem solve. And so you don’t want your child believing that they are not capable. It will follow them to adulthood if they really believe there are things that they’re not capable of doing.

DeVita Andrews:
Remember, kids will live up or down to their parents’ expectation. I like to use this analogy for the word spices. You may have grown up in a time when adults were telling you, there was only three things you need, you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach and clothes on your back. What more do you need?

DeVita Andrews:
Well, actually, every human being has six. And so here are the six: S is for social. We all need to feel a social connection. There’s physical needs that must be taken care of. There’s intellectual needs that every young person has as well as an adult. There are creative needs that are necessary. And often once we get to creative as young people, it also becomes part of career as adults. E is for emotional, what emotional needs are being met in our young people, and then spiritual.

DeVita Andrews:
So spices, if you can remember spices, without spices in life, life is bland. We want spices in our food. We want spices in our life. We want spices in our children. And if we’re looking at the spices within our children, what’s so important about that is, is that when a child misbehaves, we often look at the behavior. But let’s look at which one of these spices is not being met.

DeVita Andrews:
Meet the need, the behavior will correct itself. Maybe your child walks in and are slamming the door. They’re all upset about something. Instead of looking at the behavior, assess what need is not being met. Go in then, meet that need. Maybe your child just had a fight with someone at school, so that social disconnection is there.

DeVita Andrews:
You go in and you’re sitting down and you’re talking to your child, and you’re meeting that social need. You meet that physical need by giving him a hug and letting him know it’s going to be okay. Check first what need is not being met, then look at the behavior. But if we look the behavior first before looking at what need is being met, we often withdraw and we should never withdraw our love for our children because what we do then is threaten them. And that’s not the bridge that faith gives us, the faith that we have to climb over the chasm in which young people are in.

DeVita Andrews:
Here are seven Cs of resilience. We start out with competence, then confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. These are our seven Cs. And like I said, this is a recipe. In a recipe, it’s important to recognize that your child may already have mastered several of these. And so you don’t go back and can focus on the ones they’ve mastered. Your role is to help fill the gap for those that they have not yet mastered. And we call this the islands of competence.

DeVita Andrews:
And so don’t be surprised and noticed when your child is already strong in one or two of these categories. Focus your energies on the areas in which they are not strong.

DeVita Andrews:
Let’s start with competence. When we look at competence, our job as parents is to help them gain appropriate competence, not by helping them recognize that they possess various abilities and inner resources. I’m not talking about some panacea, Mary Poppins. No, I’m talking about real competence. And so here we go. They need to have an ability to handle situations effectively.

DeVita Andrews:
Children cannot become competent without first developing a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgments. Make responsible choices and face difficult situations. It’s also acquired through actual experience of mastering a task. And this is where everybody gets a trophy becomes a problem because there hasn’t been a competence level build up. So they haven’t mastered the task. And so it eats away at them. It’s important that they’ve been able to master something and build their competence level.

DeVita Andrews:
It is cumulative. And what I mean by that, they have to realize that they can tackle challenges. And with it comes grit and tenacity, that stick-to-itiveness, they’re not going to give up. They’re going to keep persevering. They’re going to keep being resilient. They also stand up when I talk about to their firm values. And this is why values are so important. When a young person has their values being tested, their competence in the fact that their values are holding true is a way to help them. So, those decisions that they are facing.

DeVita Andrews:
We also want to foster a love of learning and creativity. If we foster that with them, every time that they try to solve a problem, we encourage them in the process. But often what we end up doing though, we undercut that by jumping in the way, by coming to the rescue. And then often what ends up happening, it becomes perfectionism, not what we want for them. We really want them to be able to celebrate the process of solving the problem. It’s all about the process. Do not let that be undercut. It gives them a sense of competence, the process. So recognize the process.

DeVita Andrews:
Here’s our second one, confidence. Now it’s important to recognize that without competence, confidence won’t come, it will be false. And so we really have to recognize also if they do not have competence, that is the bedrock, the main foundation that leads us into all of the other types of fees. And so what would be available later will be questions that you ask yourself.

DeVita Andrews:
when you’re working with your young person, there’s 9 to 11 questions each time when you’re looking at your young person and testing their competence. There’s nine questions you want to ask yourself about them. When we’re talking about their confidence, just about nine questions you want to ask yourself first that you are seeing within your youth. And you’re using that as a measuring stick for where they are in the scales of the seven Cs. And so when we’re looking at confidence, that’s a solid belief in one’s own abilities.

DeVita Andrews:
And again, I’m not talking about a warm, fuzzy self-esteem, everything is going good because I’m special. My mom and dad tell me I’m special. It’s not that kind of confidence. This is a solid confidence in reasoning and a belief in having completed a task. It’s also when we’re talking about that confidence, it is rooted in competence.

DeVita Andrews:
It’s also gaining. It’s gained by demonstrating their confidence in real situations. If they haven’t been tested in a situation, it’s very difficult to show confidence. Whether it’s standing in front of their classmates, giving a speech, whether it’s going out and playing in a ball game, whether standing up in church and doing a recital, it doesn’t matter what the task is, but that confidence comes from competence and having practice it time and time again.

DeVita Andrews:
When parents support kids in finding their own islands of competence and building on them, they prepare them to gain enough confidence to try new ventures. If they become competent in one area, that builds confidence to be willing to try other things.

Speaker 1:
Just a reminder, DeVita, we have about five minutes left. Just to let you know, okay?

DeVita Andrews:
Thank you. We’re looking at again fortifying those questions, setting reasonable expectations, and then youth only take positive steps when they have confidence in what they do. And so playing to strengths in the midst of their problems.

DeVita Andrews:
Then we have a connection. This is very, very important. They need to be connected to family first. They also need to be connected to other adults, whether it’s church, civic community clubs, really important that social connection takes place. Interdependence versus independence, we want them to be interdependent with their family because ultimately, they’re going to be independent. But in the home, we want there to be an interdependence that they can step ahead, do what they need to do. But also they know their family is their backbone. So it gives them courage to try new things. But our starting point has to be empathy, and it’s important that we listen.

DeVita Andrews:
And then we have character. So character, we’re talking about Galatians 5:22 and 23. What is a character in which we have for our young people? And the character is different for each household. I can’t tell you what character qualities you want for your child. That’s something you decide on about what’s best for your child, your family, your community. But it is a fundamental right that young people understand what’s right and what’s wrong.

DeVita Andrews:
And we want them to be more comfortable in their character. When people come alongside of them trying to get them to say and do things that goes against what their parents have taught them, their character will be strong enough that they can overt trouble. And they need to be future oriented. And this is a biblical principle as well.

DeVita Andrews:
Again, future oriented, are they looking toward the future? And if they are, they’re looking at what are they going to do in their future? How are they going to impact society? How are they going to impact their family? What legacy are they leaving for the body of Christ, but also for their family?

DeVita Andrews:
And then the contribution, they need to know that they have a vested interest. We want to ensure ample opportunities for kids to contribute whether it’s in doing things like community service, volunteering at church, being in clubs, again activities. We want them to understand that the world’s a better place because they’re there, that they have attitudes and attributes that others want to learn and know about. We want them to be able to see beyond themselves.

DeVita Andrews:
Again, family and community meetings, have family meetings. Have it where they can contribute, but don’t only have family meetings when there’s trouble, family meetings when things are going good. When you’re picking vacation, things to do, are the children contributing? And then doing their fair share, fair share as in chores, fair share as in helping in the community, fair share as in making sure that their expectations, things that are required of them, that they’re not being lowered.

DeVita Andrews:
Coping. And so when we’re talking about coping, they’re all under stress. Parents are under stress. How do you cope? Because how you cope is often caught, not taught. They’re watching what you do. They’re watching what you say. If coping is coming home and turning on the TV and just vegging, well, guess what? That’s what they’re going to do when they stress out.

DeVita Andrews:
And so teaching them how to cope, getting a grip on stress. Adolescents need to learn how to cope effectively with stress. And unfortunately, what ends up happening is with their behaviors when they are stressed, it’s the negative behaviors that we see, and that is sometimes they’ll have headaches. They’ll have stomach aches, they’ll have heart throbs. Their mood might change. They might isolate. They may have tantrums. They may be hostile. It’s because they’re under stress.

DeVita Andrews:
So what we want to do is take action. Identify the stress and address it. And so let some things go. What battle are you willing to fight on? Recognize that while they’re under stress, ask them these three questions. Is this a real tiger or a paper tiger? Is this something real or is this something imaginary? How will you feel about this, this thing that’s bothering you? How will you feel about it in a week, in a month, in a year, in five years? That gets them a reality check and reframing on really how serious is this.

DeVita Andrews:
And then the third thing you want to ask them, is this good situation permanent? Is this a permanent problem or something that is just in the moment? And then you want to take care of your body, helping them to recognize the importance of taking care of their body to reduce their stress. And so on the website, fosteringresilience.com, it gives lots of tips and ideas about how young people can cope with their stressors.

DeVita Andrews:
And then the last one is control. Understand that things don’t just happen to them. They can be decision-makers and problem-solvers. When young people think that people are doing things at them, at them, at them, and they have no control, it elevates their stress. And then they lean on their friends because they think their friends have the answers.

DeVita Andrews:
And I often give the advice, why are you taking advice from someone as many years on this earth as you have? Because your parents are reaching back to bring you to where you’re trying to go, big difference. I encourage young people often, you want to speak to adults who have wisdom. By choices and actions, know they can make a difference. Their choice and their actions will make a difference, making sure how they control themselves.

DeVita Andrews:
And then making boundaries acceptable. Teaching them that boundaries, self-care is not selfish care. Having healthy boundaries, we put fences around our yards. We put doors on our homes to keep things out we don’t want. That’s what boundaries are and having acceptable boundaries. It’s important as a family, you establish what those boundaries are and you give your children the freedom to use those boundaries.

DeVita Andrews:
If they’re little and you tell them to go hug aunt so and so, or uncle so and so, and they’re not wanting to go, what you’re telling them is that they don’t have a voice and that boundary is not theirs to be made. And as they become young adults, especially young ladies, they believe that their body isn’t theirs, and before you know it they’re in situations they have not even planned to be in. So, giving them a voice when it comes to healthy boundaries.

DeVita Andrews:
Improve communication. Are you doing reflective listening with your children? Are you hearing them paraphrasing back what they’re saying? Because they want to know that you hear them. And if you paraphrase back what they’re saying and they say, “That’s not what I said,” now you have a conversation happening. It’s a two-way conversation. We don’t have a one-way conversation with God, so why do we have a one-way conversation with our children? It needs to be a two-way conversation where their ideas are being heard. Not necessarily are they being met, but at least they’re being heard.

DeVita Andrews:
And then listen rather than react. They will test you. They will give you some information to see what your reaction is going to be. And if it’s a negative reaction, they will shut down, end of discussion, no more information will be said. We’ll put on your game face and listen. And when you listen, they will open up and they will tell you about their friends. And they will tell you about their stuff. They’ll test you first with their friends stuff. And then they’ll start talking about their stuff, but it keeps the door open that they will feel comfortable talking to you all the time.

DeVita Andrews:
And they should have earned freedoms. Those earned freedoms are very, very important, as well as delaying gratification. If instant gratification is a plan of action within your household, then when it’s time for them to do things outside of your household, they’re expecting rewards right away. And they will choose the lesser instead of the greater, and so teaching them to delay gratification.

DeVita Andrews:
I’m going to read this really quick. This is the web of how seven Cs work. First of all, they have to experience. They experience competence to gain confidence. Then they need a connection with an adult to reinforce those points of confidence. Then they need character to know what they should contribute to family. And then the character is forged through deep connection. Contribution builds character and further strengthens connection. They contribute to communities and they gain confidence.

DeVita Andrews:
Then they lead to recognize that they can make a difference. They change their environment, and then they have a heightened sense of control. Then they have a sense control. Then they believe in their ability to solve problems. And then they go even further. Then they develop newfound confidence and competence and enhances their confidence. Then you have confidence that reinforces their ability to control their environment. And so you see the building blocks that are necessary in order for them to cope. And when they can cope, they don’t try to escape to deaden their senses in drugs, alcohol, sex, and all these other things. So coping strategy, turning to other people to whom they have a strong connection. And like I said, I hope that is their parents.

DeVita Andrews:
But this is the main thing. Don’t let others undermine your children’s resilience or to psych you out. Like I said, go with your gut, you know your child. So that resilience that you’re building in them, don’t let anybody else psych you out. If someone says to you, “Oh my goodness, they’re getting ready to enter 12 years old. Oh, oh, oh, they’re getting ready to go into those teens. Put on your safety belt. You’re ready for … Oh my goodness, you just wait to see what happens.”

DeVita Andrews:
I want you to think about that. I want you to say things like, “I’m ready for the ride. Yeah, there’ll be some bumps along the way. I have no doubt there’ll be some bumps along the way. But we’re going to get through this just fine because we’re in this together. They’re not out there by themselves. We’re there with them,” changes the story, changes the dynamic.

DeVita Andrews:
And so never stop catching your kids doing good, never stop catching them doing something good. Set clear positive expectations. Ignore the hype that’s being created by the media that all teens are bad. Negativity sells. When they give you statistics, recognize the numbers of students that are not doing it. And then have those conversation with your kids. Insulate your teens from the negative messages.

DeVita Andrews:
Sit with them when they’re watching TV, things that are unfiltered. Have those conversations. Look for those teachable moments, especially the things that they may be seeing on TV and then advocate in your communities for a positive portrayal of teens. There are so many teens doing great things, so many children doing great things. But what do we hear about? The negative things. So, advocate for them.

DeVita Andrews:
And so on the website mostofus.org, there are tips on how you can get engaged in your community to make sure that young people are being seen and heard for the positive things they’re doing, not the negative things and how young people can step up and be heard for the good things that they’re doing.

DeVita Andrews:
I know I said a lot, and it was fast. But if you have any questions, this is a time to ask questions. And so you’ll have the PowerPoint as well as the nine questions for each of the seven Cs that you can have for yourself. Also, you’ve registered for this webinar and I have your names. I’m going to draw a name for the book that I want to gift someone the book that’s called Resilience. And it’s in its like eighth or so printing. It is a phenomenal, phenomenal book that will allow you to really dig in deep about what’s going on.

DeVita Andrews:
It can be bought in any store, but I’m trying to pull it out. And so it looks like this. Awesome book with questions and resources, and just so much information on the focusing of helping your children roots but also giving them wings. All righty, any questions? You can unmute if you have a question.

DeVita Andrews:
Good question, because I run into that myself. What I do though is I coach the children ahead of time. Coaching them and saying, when you go to hug when we get there, we want you to run up to whoever the person is. We want you to hug them because you’re going to put a smile on their face. You’re going to let them know that you’re going to say to them, I love you. I care about you. You’re going to initiate it because if you wait for them to initiate it, what you’re telling them is, “Wow, you might not really love me as much as I think you do.”

DeVita Andrews:
I train them to do that at a younger age. It’s like run up, do that, make it a game. Who’s going to be first, which one of the kids are going to be the first one to get there and hug because at that moment it’s a competition, especially when there’s more than one child. They want to run up and be the first one but encouraging them to take the initiative instead of you having to tell them.

DeVita Andrews:
Now, if they don’t want to take the initiative at that point, asking them why? Because a lot of times, there’s something going on that they are not feeling comfortable about and is helping them walk through what is it about them personally that makes them uncomfortable.

DeVita Andrews:
Let me give you some examples of some of the questions that you could ask. For example, when we’re talking about …. And if anyone’s a military family, also in the book, it covers resilience for military families, because that takes a special type of resilience. Having been retired, there were some resilient things that family had to really go through in order to handle separations.

DeVita Andrews:
Maybe even mission trips, you’re going away for a while or family member gets sick and you need to travel. What type of skills are you building within your child for resilience? Or maybe you’re living far away from your family and building resilience, crossing cultures within resilience. How do you maintain that?

DeVita Andrews:
This book has a lot of those questions and strengthening tips for families, but I’m going to pull out the one on confidence. Here are some questions that you want to be able to ask yourself first in measuring how is your child doing when it comes to do’s and don’ts. Here’s a question I might ask when I’m talking to myself if I was … And many times because of where I worked, it was a lot of military families. Here’s one of the questions I would ask. Why many military families are models of resilience? Why is it we often see, it’s military families? They’re resilient. Part of it is because what they have to endure.

DeVita Andrews:
When we’re looking at a character within a family, what kind of character qualities are we looking at within that particular family? And so when we look at those families and we look at what they’re doing, when we look at the strengths that they have, are we noticing our children’s acts of kindness?

DeVita Andrews:
When we’re talking about their character, are we noticing their acts of kindness? Are we noticing other people doing something kind and pointing it out to our children, saying, “Wow, look at that situation.” And then they’re learning those are acts of kindness. Do we notice the decent behavior in others? Do we treat others well? Are they watching us model how we treat other people? Do we treat strangers well? Do we look past some, we look through them?

DeVita Andrews:
Do we reinforce the importance of including all children? So then maybe they have a friend at school that’s in a wheelchair or they see someone and they have questions about it. Are we teaching them to include all children? Are we promoting responsibility? Is our child showing us that they can be responsible?

DeVita Andrews:
Are they watching television and listening to music? And is it unfiltered? Do you know what they’re listening to, what they’re watching? Are you sitting nearby and then being able to ask about a song or the words in a song or some scene in the show?

Speaker 1:
Sorry … raise his hand, you may have a question.

DeVita Andrews:
Perfect. First of all, you want to have some rules because what you’re teaching them, you’re teaching them to problem solve. You’re not coming in to rescue. If you rescue them every single time, what you’re telling them is I believe you’re not capable of solving this problem. That’s not what you want to do.

DeVita Andrews:
Think about they’re going to have times when they’re not going to get along. Let them try to figure them. Give them a time limit saying, “Okay, you’re going to need to figure this out. I give you some time.” And then you come in and let them tell you how they problem solved. Don’t come in and rescue them too quickly because they’re going to keep pointing fingers at the other one and it’s their fault, and they will never take personal responsibility.

DeVita Andrews:
Yep. Well, boys will be boys. They will do get out. And Rhombus does have a parenting course. It’s called Nurturing Parenting. And there’s different phases within the parenting. It’s phenomenal, phenomenal curriculum. And what it does, it helps parents first. Let’s recognize how are you, parent? How are you parented? And then what areas within your life, or there’s some things that need to be shored up.

DeVita Andrews:
And then you now have a legacy to build for your children. But go on the website. Contact the office. It’s called Nurturing Parenting. And you can even look up Nurturing Parenting on any search engine, which is a phenomenal, phenomenal program, so Nurturing Parenting. How do we do parenting to raise resilient children is really what it’s about.

DeVita Andrews:
I think we’re out of time. Is that correct?

Speaker 1:
Yeah. We’re a little bit over, but it was all valuable. So I was like …

DeVita Andrews:
Well, thank for your attention. And if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact Rhombus Counseling and I’ll be glad to answer any of your questions. Just ask for DeVita. And I can even do a quick consultation over the phone at no cost. So don’t hesitate to call, okay? Thank you.

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