Zoom with Yi: The Story of Anger

Dr. Yi discusses what anger is, anger’s impact, and how you can use anger for good. She provides immediate solutions to our daily struggles with anger.

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Dr. Esther Yi:
All right. Hi everybody. Thank you so much for joining our free mental health seminars online and thank you to Rhombus University for hosting these as always during this COVID-19 period.

Dr. Esther Yi:
I just wanted to introduce myself really quick. My name is Dr. Esther Yi and I work as a clinician over at Rhombus University. I’m also a faculty member over at Rhombus University and a couple other places here in San Diego.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So today I wanted to talk about specifically anger. I know that this can be a hot topic because it is something that everybody has experienced at one point or another during their lives, and so I just wanted to briefly go over what we’re going to be talking about today. So the first thing is going to be talking about describing anger, the second’s going to be anger’s impact, the third is going to be how to use anger for good, and then we’re going to have a period of question answer if anybody does.

Dr. Esther Yi:
All right, so I just want to define what anger is. So according to the American Psychological Association, anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism towards someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So a couple of words that I want us to focus on in this definition is the word emotion, so anger is an emotion. And the second thing is to know that anger, it can be a good thing. I know oftentimes I feel like the word anger, because of just our experiences with it, has sometimes a negative connotation, but I want us to also know that anger, the way that it serves as a purpose can also be a good thing.

Dr. Esther Yi:
All right, so let’s talk about describing anger. So when we talk about anger, oftentimes when working with my clients rather than just seeing anger, and sometimes it can be loud and disruptive and it can be scary, the question I oftentimes ask is, what happened to you? Now, I may not say that right directly then and there, but I’m going to be thinking about this in the back of my mind. I want to know what happened to you for you to be experiencing this much anger. So I want us to think about that the next time you’re experiencing anger or somebody else is displaying different types of anger. Think to yourself what happened to me or what happened to them.

Dr. Esther Yi:
All right, so just some words when we’re looking at anger. So somebody might say I’m annoyed or I’m frustrated, or they might be feeling some type of rage, or have you ever met somebody who’s super cynical? All of these words that I’ve listed here on the left-hand side are different types of anger, but they’re all saying pretty much the same thing, I’m angry. Now, I think sometimes people want to sugarcoat it to make it sound nicer, like, “Oh, I’m annoyed but I’m not really angry.” Well, I think it can still be some type of degree of anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So I want to introduce anger to us. I want to introduce and paint a picture of what anger is and sometimes it may be a little bit different of what we’ve learned before in the past.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So first it’s a natural emotion. It happens for us to feel angry, just like any other emotion, like feeling sad or happy or excited or fearful. It’s another natural emotion that we’re experiencing.

Dr. Esther Yi:
It’s also a fight or flight response. What that tells us is anger, it protects us. So if you feel like you are in danger, your body will kick into the response of fight, flight or freeze. Anger is another word for that. Have you ever seen somebody when they’re super mad they start fighting people? Or how about when they’re upset they flee? They flight. They just run away. They disappear. They’re runners. Or how about people who are super angry and they freeze? They don’t know what to say. Maybe they say, “I forgot what I was going to say.” They’re so upset they forget what they’re going to say. They’re just stuck like a deer in headlights situation.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Or anger’s also a response to an unwanted situation. Something happens to us, something happens to you and you didn’t want it to happen and so now you’re angry.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Anger looks different for everybody. I think you could probably see that in your relationships, in your family, your friendships, your marriage. You’ll probably know that the way that you might express anger can look very different from how a different person expresses their anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Anger serves a purpose. Anger is trying to tell us something. It’s communicating something. When somebody’s angry, they’re trying to communicate something. What that means is don’t get distracted by just what somebody’s displaying, try to figure out underneath what’s actually happening.

Dr. Esther Yi:
And oftentimes anger, it’s learned by their caretakers or your parents. I know that this is sometimes a hard truth to swallow, knowing that sometimes we’ve picked up on how we display anger based on how our family or how our parents, how our caretakers display anger and so consider that. Think about that. How did your parents fight? Did they fight? Maybe they fought a lot. How did they fight? Was there screaming, yelling, calm talking, forgiving, saying I’m sorry when they’re angry, lashing out, throwing things, maybe there was physical or emotional abuse that took place? Consider how you grew up and what you witnessed about anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So I want to talk about some of the benefits of anger because I think we just sometimes focus on the negatives. So the first thing I just wanted to repeat is it protects us, fight or flight response. So what I don’t want us to think is it’s never okay to be angry. Actually, there are times where it’s super appropriate to get angry. For instance, if somebody physically attacks you, it’s very normal to get angry because you’re trying to protect yourself. In the moment you need to think, is it wise for me to fight? Is it wise for me to flight or is it wise for me to just freeze? I’m thinking of instances of if you get caught with an animal, sometimes people say that it’s better to stay very, very still rather than to run for your own protection. Sometimes you have to use anger just to have compliance at that moment.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Now, I want to be careful when I say this because I think sometimes we take this to an extreme and we display our anger by yelling just because we want compliance. But the question I want you to ask yourself before you may use this type of anger, is are you in a dangerous situation? For instance, if you are maybe walking on the side of the road and you see a kid who’s about to get hit by a car, you might yell at them because you’re angry about the situation. You might yell at the driver to slow down. You might tell the child to move. Maybe your anger produces the reaction of literally picking up a child physically so that they’re removed from the dangerous situation. So in that moment you need immediate compliance because there’s danger involved.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Anger allows us to be motivated to work towards solution. I’ve seen this a lot, especially with COVID-19 happening. I think a lot of people are upset about the current situation of just it’s hard being stuck at home. It’s hard maybe if you’ve lost your job. It’s hard where maybe you aren’t able to see your friends and your family as you’d like to. So to think, “Okay, well, what can I do to move towards the solution because I’m upset about this situation?” We’ve seen people who have donated lots of masks. We’ve seen people who are actually sewing them. We see people who are dropping off groceries. We’ve seen grocery stores that are allowing certain periods of time for just our older or those that are more prone to illness populations to be able to shop in a place that’s a little bit more clean and not be as nervous when they’re shopping for their goods. We’ve seen people who are offering to provide free delivery for things and different services for people. So we know that sometimes having this feeling of emotion will allow us to move towards some type of solution.

Dr. Esther Yi:
It also can be a response to justice. If you’ve ever seen somebody get bullied, if you’ve seen somebody get attacked, if you see something that you know is just not right, in your moral compass you know that it’s not right, I’m hoping that this anger will build up that will point us to, “Okay, well, what can I do to help this injust situation? Maybe I’ll speak up. Maybe I’ll call somebody.” Initiate a conversation. Ask them how I can help? So I want us to consider a time when a person has used anger for good. Think about it. Usually we tell stories of anger when it’s something negative, but consider for a moment when there’s been a time where somebody has used anger for good.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So I want to talk about the impact of anger and what it might do to a person. So the first thing I want to talk about very briefly is anger in the brain. So the first thing that happens is when a person experiences anger, the thing that gets activated in our brain is called the amygdala. It’s an almond shaped in our brain. This is the same portion of the brain that tells us fight, flight or freeze. This is a good thing. You want it to go off when you’re angry. Your body’s trying to protect you. It’s trying to send you signals of maybe you should fight, maybe you should fight or maybe should freeze.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Also in the hippocampus, that area of the brain is being activated also. This is the part of your brain where there is longterm memory that is being stored. What does that tell us? When you have maybe a very angry, emotional impact that’s happened in your life, maybe in your childhood, and you can remember it so vividly like it’s happened yesterday, the reason why you can do that is because of this part of the brain. When you have a significant emotional event that has happened in your brain, longterm memory, this is where it’s stored. So sometimes if you have an angry emotional event that’s happened, maybe you’ve been a witness to domestic violence, maybe you’ve been a victim to any type of assault, or maybe you watched 9/11 happen, maybe you saw crisis happen. So think about those things because those are the things that will stick with people.

Dr. Esther Yi:
And then the prefrontal cortex. This is the good thinking part of the brain. You want this part of the brain to help you think and make good decisions. Unfortunately, when you have a lot of anger, when it kicks up, this is the part of the brain that slows down. This is the part of the brain that slows down. You want to do coping skills. You want to do things that help you reactivate this part of the brain. Why? Because you want to think in the moment, is your anger proportionate to the situation that’s happening? Have you ever met somebody that you felt like their anger was just disproportionately so large and you wonder what is happening and you didn’t think that their anger warranted that for this situation? Have you seen somebody yell at somebody at the grocery store? Have you seen somebody get really mad over something super small? This might be why, maybe their prefrontal cortex is not working in that moment. Maybe their good thinking brain is not working. This is what we want working.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So I’m not going to focus too heavily on this because I know that there’s been so much research out there and this might be something that we’re all very familiar of so I want us to take a moment just to look really quick about how anger impacts our health. The first thing is, there’s a lot of information on there about our heart. If you’re angry all the time, it’s just not good for your heart, and we see that. If you’re angry all the time, it’s not good for stress. If you’re experiencing lots of stress, I want you to ask yourself, are you experiencing a lot of anger? There were studies that found that there were even increased incidents of cancer because people had experienced chronic anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
How about digestion problems? Does that happen to you where your stomach starts to hurt? We see this in kids. When we have kids who are experiencing a lot of anger, a lot of the times they’ll describe their anger with physical symptoms and they’ll say, “My stomach hurts.” Your immune system weakens. We definitely don’t want that, especially right now. We want to be on the top of our game when it comes to our immune system during this time.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Accidents, I found this to be something that’s just interesting, that people who have a lot of anger, it makes sense, they’re just more prone to driving angrily and that means they experience a lot more injuries related to crash due to their anger. We know that, road rage. We see that a lot. And then diabetes, people who are experiencing a lot of anger, they’re more at risk for type 2 diabetes than others.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So your body is experiencing lots of energy for different amounts of reason, and a lot of it is to protect yourself. So consider to save the energy for good. How much of your energy did it take for you to stay angry at a person? Think about it. You have to think about it. You have to think about all the ways that you’re mad at them, what they did. It actually takes a lot of energy to stay angry at somebody. But if it happens naturally for you and you’re used to it, I want you to consider how that happened.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So this last portion I want us to focus on is ways that we can help regulate our anger, ways that we can use anger for good specifically so I want to give you a lot of options to be able to use immediately. So I just want us to take a look at this quote really quick that’s, “Revenge is you working your anger out on another person. Instead of working out your own anger with yourself and being self-reflective. When you are trying to take revenge on somebody else, it’s you working out your anger problems onto that person.”

Dr. Esther Yi:
So how do we reflect on our anger? I know that a lot of people say, “Hey, I want you to reflect on your anger,” but the question is like, how do you actually do that? What do you do? I want you guys to consider these things for yourself. So maybe it’s going back to your family history and thinking, how did my family express their anger? And I know immediately it’s very easy to want to protect ourselves and say, “I’m nothing like them and I have zero to do with that,” but we know through research, oftentimes we pick up things because they’ve been modeled to us. It’s a parenting thing. It can be used for good, but in the situation it can also be used for bad. What does that mean? Unfortunately, there’s probably ways that you’ve picked up on things from your caretakers, from your parents, from those around you that are not the best way with dealing with anger. Think, have you picked on some of those things? Let’s pick up the good things from those around us, but let’s leave the bad. But in order for that to happen we got to reflect on what actually happened.

Dr. Esther Yi:
The second thing is what triggers you. Think about people, places and things and then also topics. There might just be things that trigger you versus other people. That’s normal because all of our lives look different. Our journey looks different. So what triggers you?

Dr. Esther Yi:
One of the things that I find that triggers people, and it’s just really easy to remember, is the acronym HALT. If you’re hungry, if you’re alone… No, hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Those are the times that people tend to react. They tend to be a little bit more sensitive.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Are there certain people that trigger you? So maybe you need to keep some space between them. Maybe you only need to hang out in group settings. Maybe there’s certain places that just drown you in memories that you know triggers you and that’s uncomfortable and so a way that you protect yourself is through anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
How does your anger impact others? Do you know that your anger impacts others? Because it sure does. Do you know how? Or are you the type of person that people are too scared to come to? That might be hard to hear. I think that’s something that’s very important, especially in the workplace. If you are managing people, if you are a supervisor of some sort, it is incredibly important to know your role and then also how anger impacts your role. How do people view you? You may not even know unless you ask for feedback. So ask somebody who you trust to give you honest feedback.

Dr. Esther Yi:
What is the purpose of your anger? We know that anger serves a purpose. Is it trying to protect you? Is it trying to warn you about a situation? Do you need immediate compliance because you’re in danger? What’s happening there? What’s the purpose of your anger? What happens to your body when you’re angry? I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it with my clients, especially when I’m doing therapy. I’ve worked a lot with domestic violence offenders, gang members and those that have been sexually trafficked here in the state of California and I’ve seen when somebody tells a story, sometimes their fists get all sweaty or they clam up. I’ve seen hands that go into fists when they’re ready to fight because they’re upset. I’ve seen people who maybe cry when they’re very angry. I’ve seen people who their voice gets louder. So what do I do? My voice gets quieter. I’ve seen people when they’re super angry, they have a hard time focusing, losing concentration, because that’s what happens. Your good thinking part of the brain is turning off.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So think about what happens to your body. How does anger impact your body? And then just overall, I want you to think about how does anger impact you? Have you lost friendships because of your anger? Have you had to cut people out because of their anger? Are you worried about what you might teach your children or the people around you because of your anger? Consider that. Consider how anger has impacted you.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So these are just some questions that I want you to ask maybe when you’re angry and not at that moment, maybe you need to take a deep breath and take a step back really quick, but let’s find the cause of your anger. So I want you to ask, are you hurt? You might be hurt physically but you also might be hurt emotionally. Is there hurt there? Are you safe? Are you in a safe place? Are you safe with the people around you? You might be angry because the person that you’re talking to is not a safe person. Are you feeling frustrated? Maybe you feel like they’re not hearing you correctly. They’re not getting you. They’re not responding to the way that you wanted them to. They’re not meeting your expectations so you’re frustrated with them.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Do you feel disrespected or that you feel like they’re questioning you, they don’t trust your judge of character or your decisions that you’re making or what you’re saying? Do you feel disappointed that maybe somebody failed you or they did something that they shouldn’t have done so now you’re angry because you’re feeling disappointed? Do you feel misunderstood where maybe people are making assumptions about you that aren’t true at all based on anything? Based on your gender, what you look like, your work experience, where you’re living and then to ask the question to yourself, what happened? Maybe you just need context to the situation to figure out what caused your anger.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So one thing I find that helps a lot when it comes to managing your anger or regulating your anger is use time to your advantage. Use time to your advantage. So what does that mean? In the moment, when you’re super upset, it feels like you have to deal with the situation right then and there, but most of the time, this is not the case. Most of the time, there is plenty of time to deal with something when you’re upset. So walk away and return. Say, “You know what? Hey, can we come back to in one hour? Let’s come back at three o’clock.” Let’s come back at whatever time that you decide to make with the person that you’re talking with and the person that you’re upset with.

Dr. Esther Yi:
This works with your coworker. This works with your partner. This works with your child. But you need to set a time to say, “Hey, I’m coming back” because I think it can increase anger when somebody just walks away from a conversation and that’s it, because then we can feel hurt and disappointed like, “Oh, we’re not important enough and they just walked away.” So it’s super important to think about how are you going to return? When are you going to return?

Dr. Esther Yi:
We want to make sure that you give yourself, your body enough time to come back relaxed. I’d say probably at least more than 30 minutes because our body reacts physiologically when we’re angry. We need to give our body a chance to calm down. So we want clear expectations. Sometimes people get angry because they don’t know what you’re being expected of, so we see this a lot in just maybe even in the workplaces where it’s like, “I didn’t know that this was part of my job and so now that I have to do it I’m super mad because that wasn’t part of my contract.” Or maybe your child is like, “I didn’t know you wanted me to do it this way.” Or maybe your spouse is saying, “I didn’t know you wanted me to do it this way.” So it’s really important on your side, clear expectations. What do you want it to look like? What would you like for them to do?

Dr. Esther Yi:
The second thing is when you’re walking away and you’re returning. When you’re walking away, the question that people ask me is where am I going? Good question. Go to a place that is calming for you. Where is it calming? Where in your home, where in your workplace, where in your car, where in outside, maybe in nature, where does it calm you? You as a person, what helps you to stay calm, an environment, a location for you? Go there. Rest there.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Be curious. When you have walked away, think. Now, people ask, “Well, what do I do when I walk away? I’m still super mad.” Yes, you probably are, but think how can you be curious? Think like a scientist. Observe the situation that just took place. Replay it in your mind. Think about how you can respond rather than reacting, and we’ve talked about the difference between that. When you react, it can be like spitting fire, but respond allows you to think about your emotions and think about the logical side and then make a wise decision of how you might respond to a situation rather than just reacting.

Dr. Esther Yi:
And then also too, remember when you walk away and you return, it’s incredibly important to have a connection there. So maybe you sit eye level so you have that physical connection. If it’s a child, sometimes the connection is a hug. Or a spouse, it might be a physical touch. The connection might be just taking a deep breath together. Maybe the connection is allowing you to have that space to be upset in a safe space. Think about how you could connect with the other person.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Another good way is just identifying the emotion that’s happening. “It sounds like we’re both super angry. Why?” In order for us to come to a solution, your brain needs to connect. And that side of the brain with our emotions is the right side of the brain, so we want to say something that connects the right side to the left side. So you need to identify what’s happening. “Hey, we’re upset. Let’s take a break and come back in an hour.”

Dr. Esther Yi:
People learn in layers. Sometimes there’s lots of frustrations when people do not pick up on things for the very first time. We know that people learn in repetition so you might have to say something, do something with them multiple times. It’s not their fault. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way that we learn. So think, how can I best help them to learn? How can I best help myself to learn? In what environment do I best learn in? Think about that. Because you know what? People oftentimes do not learn when somebody’s yelling at them. It doesn’t. It turns off this part of the brain because they’re wondering if I need to fight, flight or freeze in that moment.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So when we want somebody to do something, yelling at somebody, threatening them oftentimes does not work. It may help with compliance at that moment, but you know what oftentimes happens? Secrecy. Lies. They’re trying to hide something. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable in front of you. And then just like I said, just finding a good time, when is the best time that you learn?

Dr. Esther Yi:
I was recently reading an article about sometimes the best time for people to be productive is oftentimes in the morning. So what I mean by find a good time is when you’re super upset, that is not a good time to talk about your angry situation because you haven’t calmed down, they haven’t calmed down. Everybody’s just mad so maybe you got to take a break and come back. Maybe it’s in the morning, but it’s not in the heat of the moment. That is oftentimes not a good time for learning.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Look for the good. Look for the good. I know that that sounds so simple. And oftentimes when I hear people and they start to apologize, they say, “Well thanks, but” yada, yada ya. So take the but out. Let’s not negate all the good stuff that you said about them. Maybe you asked somebody to do the dishes and they did three dishes, look for the good. “Hey, thanks for doing the three dishes.” That’s it, not, “I also wish you would’ve done the rest of the dishes too,” because we don’t want to be passive aggressive because that’s still our anger that’s coming out but we’re just trying to suppress it and hide it. It’s not a healthy way of displaying our anger. We want to purposely look for the good because I think sometimes in our brains, in our minds, we’ve gotten so used to looking for the negative in people.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So what does that mean when we’re looking for the negative? We’re expecting them to mess up, to do things wrong. I’ve seen in families where we’re caught up in trying to be perfect so much there’s a lot of anger that comes from a household like that. Instead, we want to help them by looking for the good. What are the good things that they did today rather than highlighting the negatives. We want to feed into the good stuff.

Dr. Esther Yi:
I want to talk briefly to anger and parenting. Now this can be, maybe it’s not your biological children, maybe you just have other kids around you or you’re a caretaker, you are a babysitter, whatever it is, your interaction with children or maybe you’re a future parent I think this is really important. When we think about parenting and parenting tips in general, we think, “Oh my gosh, I got to help me deal with my child.” My kid is… Maybe they’re upset and they’re a disaster and they whine and they cry a lot. Parenting is not about your child’s behavior. Parenting is about your behavior. It’s about the parent. It is your job to set a model first.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So the first thing I want to talk about, just two things, is don’t sweat the small stuff. I know that’s super, super hard to hear, but most of the things that our kids do, they’re just small stuff. It is a skill to be able to just let it roll down your back. No big deal. Maybe they get a little bit messier than you wanted them to, no big deal. If they’re not hurt or they’re not in a dangerous situation, usually it’s no big deal.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Typically I find, kids, they usually know what they did was wrong. Now, this all depends on the developmental age of the child, but most kids, they usually know what they did was wrong. I want you to think about what you’re fueling your attention on. So what I mean by that is you don’t want to think about what you’re fueling. If you’re giving more attention to bad behavior, you’re fueling the flame for bad behavior. If you are spending more attention on good behavior, you’re fueling the flame on good behavior. This is why sometimes teachers say things like, “Thank you so much, Ashley, for paying attention and sitting at your desk quietly.” What are they doing? They’re giving attention to the child that is setting a good example.

Dr. Esther Yi:
It is not helpful if we put people and embarrass them because of something that they weren’t supposed to do. Sometimes moments like that, that’s when our brain says, “Hey, you’re in danger,” so then kids, what do they do? They fight, flight or freeze. They yell back. They’re whining even more. They’re crying. They’re trying to run away from you.So think, what’s the attention I can give to what? The good stuff. That’s the good stuff you want to give your attention to.

Dr. Esther Yi:
It’s not personal. When kids are upset at us, it’s usually not personal. Think of the acronym HALT, like I talked about, and think developmentally maybe they’re just trying to make decisions for themselves. They won’t always make good decisions. Have that as an expectation. That’s normal.

Dr. Esther Yi:
It is oftentimes very helpful if you want to stop having your child do something you don’t want them to do, think about how you can redirect them. Instead of using negatives like, “Well, you can’t do this and don’t do this.” Think of, you can do this. So instead of saying, you can’t play with that toy, maybe you talk about you can read this book. You can play with this toy. You can go outside. Give them different options, redirect them, different things that they can do. Reinforce the good stuff. Thank you for playing quietly. Thank you for playing peacefully with your sibling. Thank you for reading out loud for others. So let’s make sure that we’re reinforcing the good stuff. Thank you for being patient with me. Because it’s not enough to say, well, you can do this and you can do this. You want to go back and you want to make sure you’re really solidifying in your child’s brain. “Hey, I’m giving you attention and I want to reinforce the good stuff that you’re doing and not just have a conversation about what you shouldn’t have been doing.”

Dr. Esther Yi:
Parents, we got to check our pride at the door. Oftentimes there is a power dynamic that happens between a parent child relationship, and let me tell you, pride comes before the fall. So if you’re thinking I know everything and they have to do what I say, and I just want compliance, that’s typically it… If you’ve ever argued with a child, I don’t know if you’re going to win.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Model. I want you to model what it looks like to have healthy anger. I want you to be a safe person for your child where they know that even if they throw a temper tantrum, that they can still come to you because you’re a safe person. I find that sometimes people are scared to be angry or scared to stay in a relationship because they’re an angry person or they’re experiencing a lot of anger because they have already learned that when I’m really loud and angry, everybody leaves me. So let’s think as parents, what can we do to be a safe person for a child? What do they need?

Dr. Esther Yi:
If your child is disrespecting you, that does not mean that you have to disrespect them. It’s not tit for tat with our children. I want to go back to this idea of revenge, punishment, discipline. We want to use these moments as teaching opportunities rather than times of “Well, I’ll show you.” And because you’re upset now maybe you’re yelling at them or you’re spanking them or you are giving them time out and they’re just thinking about how mad they are at you. It’s not being effective. We want to make sure that we’re redirecting our energy for good things to build up our children.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Be consistent. It is so frustrating when anybody changes the rules to a situation and we’re not sure what to do. So be consistent. If you expect them to clean up after dinner, they need to be cleaning up after dinner every single day. Be consistent.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Teaching moment, use that time to teach them something. Did you teach them how to do what you’re asking? I have a one-and-a-half-year-old and there’s not too many things he knows how to do without me showing him and I know that sometimes it’s easy with my words to say, “Oh, well go do this and go do that.” Right now, his favorite things to do is to throw away his own diaper, but I had to model it many, many times. I don’t think I did it intentionally, I just had to throw away dirty diapers. He just saw me doing it so many times and then he wanted to try to. So I walked with him with the dirty diaper to the trash can, threw it away and closed the trash can. So it’s important, there’s going to be repetition, there’s going to be consistency. I need to be throwing away diapers every single time and not letting them just sit all around the house. So think, what can you do?

Dr. Esther Yi:
This also works for in the workplace. Do they know what you’re asking them to do? Don’t assume it. You need to be asking. Making sure you have very clear expectations. And then just remembering neurons that fire together, they wire together. So what does that mean? The phrase practice makes perfect, this is kind of where it comes from, where you keep repeating something over and over again and it allows them to make healthy habits. We want our kids to have healthy habits whether we’re there or we’re not there with them.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So setting yourself up for success. In general, set yourself up for success. If you know that you’re about to go somewhere where you may be triggered because maybe you’re stuck at home all day with your family and it’s going to be hard, let’s have conversations of what’s going to help you. Making sure you have meals on time, that you’re getting good amount of rest. Having a conversation of what you’re expecting.

Dr. Esther Yi:
I know not a lot of people are going to the grocery stores with their kids, but I find that going to grocery stores with their children tends to be a place of stress for many parents. Talk to your child in the car with them about what you’re expecting in terms of behaviors before you get to the grocery store. “Mommy and daddy have to go to the grocery store because we’re going to be buying milk and cheese and eggs” and whatever else you need. “This is not the time for us to be buying toys. We are going to be sitting in the car seat the whole time. And you know what? When we’re done, I’m so excited because we’re going to be able to read a new book together when we get home.” Give them something to look forward to when they perform well. We want to make sure our attention is going to good behavior.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So what about when you meet somebody that’s super, super angry because it’s bound to happen and some people are just angry people? Maybe it’s because they’ve had a lot of pain. I’ve seen that where people have experienced so much pain in their lives they tend to be angry it seems like all the time.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So I want you to reflect on yourself first, are you safe? Are you safe with that person? We’ve been reading right now, currently in the news because of COVID-19, we see an increase of domestic violence situations in homes. Many times people are not safe even in their home right now because somebody is very, very angry. I want you to ask yourself, are you triggered? Is there something in your past that you felt similar to the situation now that is making or causing you to overreact? Are you triggered?

Dr. Esther Yi:
Think about what are your coping skills? What can you do right now? Deep breathing. Taking a step back. Maybe you need a break, an hour break. Maybe you want to go to your calm space. Maybe you want to listen to some music, calming music and not angering music. Maybe you want to color. Maybe you want a cold glass of water. Maybe you want to throw water on your face to help you calm down. Think about what are your coping skills that you can do because you can control how somebody else gets super angry. That is not your job is to control other people. I know it seems like it, and I see this a lot when those that are super manipulative of people, they try to manipulate or control people. That’s not healthy, not healthy at all. The only person that you control is yourself.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Think about the purpose of their anger, why they might be acting that way? What might be happening with them? Think, are they frustrated? Are they disappointed? Are they hurt? What other emotions might they be experiencing? What if you’re embarrassed? I find that people get super angry when they’re embarrassed. Why? When you look at the situation and somebody got super angry, why might they be angry? And then look for the good. Thank you for blank. I appreciate when you did blank. These are just some beginning strategies that you can say to somebody when you’re looking for the good.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So these are very similar to some of the other situations that I’ve talked about but I want to briefly talk about anger in the workplace because it really does impact productivity, which also means it impacts money for the company. And I know this is super important for people.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So the first thing to remember is to name it, to tame it. What is happening? Are you guys both angry? Then identify it. Do you need to walk away and say, “Hey, let’s come back to this conversation”? Then walk away and come back. Where are you going? Where’s your calm space in your office or in your workplace? Do you have clear expectations of you and the other person of what’s happening? This can really impact group work.

Dr. Esther Yi:
Making sure that each role is clearly identified so people know exactly what they’re doing and what’s expected of them, including timeline. I want you to consider instead of seeing the phrase as it should be, “Well, yeah, they should be doing this. They should be doing that.” Instead, think about how you can reinforce the good. So instead of assuming that they should be doing something, it’s like, “Wow, they did that. Thank you.” It sounds very different than assuming, well, they should be doing this. They should be doing that. It actually adds shame to a person and it doesn’t help the situation or the productivity or the group environment.

Dr. Esther Yi:
I talked about wanting to be productive. Your anger is most likely not… I mean, is it productive or is it not? Is it helping you solve an issue of injustice? Then yes, it’s being productive. But is your anger getting the way of you being creative? Because it can do that when it shuts this good thinking part of the brain off. Is it slowing down your ability to work together? Consider, is your anger productive?

Dr. Esther Yi:
And then, is there a better time? Is there a better time to have this conversation? Maybe not when everybody’s super hungry right before lunch, or maybe not at the end of the day, like 4:45 on Friday when everybody’s trying to get home. Respect their time. Think, “Hey, we can come back to this on Monday. How does 10:00 AM work for everybody?”

Dr. Esther Yi:
Check your pride. Work is not a place where pride is helpful. It can be very hurtful to people and to yourself so check your pride out the door. And then ask yourself, was your anger helpful or hurtful? Did it help your workplace and your situation and the product you’re trying to sell and your patients and whoever you’re working with? Was it helpful or was it hurtful? Maybe even ask around because I think it’s really important in the workplace. We find that it’s very effective to receive feedback.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So that was my last slide. I just wanted to thank everybody for joining me. The free mental health seminars will continue during this COVID-19, so it’s every Friday at 8:30 PM Pacific standard time. So join us, share with somebody who might also benefit from mental health services that are free during this time where they may not have access to. And then practice, practice, practice, practice, because we’ve also learned that any of the tools that we’re thinking about or we’re talking about, or our brain when we’re trying to rewire it, it requires practice to have good, healthy habits.

Dr. Esther Yi:
So on the last slide I just have my contact information. Thank you so much for joining me. For the questions that I’m going to have I’m going to go ahead and stop the recording. But if you ever want to contact me there, my information is there at [email protected], or you can find me on Instagram, para.caleo, or my professional website at rhombuscounseling.com. So thank you so much guys and I’ll see you next week.

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